Wearing a shirt, clinging to my soldier.

Posts tagged ‘failure’

Why Are You Running Away?

In this video, Alexis first asks gays why are they walking away from God. Which is understandable and I get it so I’m watching but Alexis has this way of breaking the fourth wall. And as I’m sitting here, watching this video all I can think is “Why am I running away from him?”

God loves me so much he let his son die by human hands in the most painful way imaginable and let him suffer for a bunch of humans who would never know that kind of pain and all so they did not have to burn forever as long as they believe in Christ and spread his word in hopes that more can be saved. And each time I remember this, I swear to myself I’ll be a better Christian. I’ll meet God’s standards and then I fall so short in his glory and his mercy and love that I feel discouraged. If I can’t be the strong woman God has called me to be, why am I even trying? Why don’t I just give up?

And this brings me to tears and I start to curse myself on the inside because its just one more place that I fail. I fail CONSTANTLY.

I curse.

I disobey my parents.

I get angry.

I commit premarital sex on a near daily basis while trying to justify it by telling myself that we will be married someday (and that does nothing for my self esteem or self image but it feels good so I do it anyways…)

I am a glutton.

I gossip.

I lie.

I don’t say the pledge of alliegance (which, okay, isn’t a sin but sometimes it feels like it.)

I let my mind wander and have homosexual urges.

I sin on a daily basis and still wake up every morning and read a poster to remind myself that God loves me as I can smell the sins rolling off of my body and pooling at my feet.

I don’t pray before eating or sleeping.

I don’t read my bible except when I must.

And when people come to me, confide in me about their lives and in honesty ask me to pray for them, I never fucking do.

Ever.

I am so set in my sinful ways I can’t even be bothered to be a good Christian… Or even a decent one.

I am not dating a fellow Christian. These dogtags are marked No-Pref. Part of me wishes he was because if there is some form of God in this world, I would want to see him again after death has taken us a part. But in Heaven we are all brothers and sisters of Christ. Not husband and wife and we will not recognize each other as we have been given a new and holy life. So all we have on earth are these memories.

A memory is as false or as true as you rememeber it and as life goes on, our memories fail.

I don’t know where this is leading but I am so scared right now and I’m alone with my thoughts crashing around me. I could use someones advice on so much. Like how can I accept or dismiss loosing my father and grandmother? Or make my boyfriend see that marriage isn’t just a promise he’ll be there tomorrow but a way to make me feel like I’m not completely disobeying God?

Well, time will tell… For now, I must wipe my tears, pet dear old Zelda here and get to work in a few. But I have a lot to think about. So here goes.

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