Wearing a shirt, clinging to my soldier.

Posts tagged ‘Army’

I want to do these someday with you

1. go on a search for as many good climbing trees as possible, climb as high as you both can in all of them, compile photo evidence

2. go to a major chain bookstore and leave notes to future readers in copies of your favorite books

3. have her dress up as a ghost and you dress up us pacman. walk around downtown holding hands, and whenever anyone sees you two, pretend to be embarrassed, and run off screaming “wocka wocka wocka.”

4. create photo evidence suggesting that you went on an adventure that didn’t really happen

5. dress up as superheroes and stop at least one petty crime “ie. jaywalking, littering….”

6. build forts out of furniture and blankets and wage war with paper airplanes.

7. try and visit as many people as you can in one night and turn as many things inside their apartment upside down as you can without them noticing.

8. go to the airport, get the cheapest, soonest departing flight to anywhere when you show up, and stay there for a weekend.

9. write a piece of fiction together. outside at a cafe. ask strangers when you get stuck.

10. dress to the nines, pretend to be married, and test drive very expensive vehicles at an auto dealership.

11. do the lamest tourist thing in your area that you have both secretly wanted to do forever. have an unabashed good time!

12. in the middle of the night, drive to the beach, so you arrive just as the sun is rising. have a breakfast picnic, then fall asleep together. bring a sun umbrella.

13. drive somewhere unknown and have dinner in a city you’ve never been to. with fake names.

14. go to a minor league baseball game under the stars. tell each other stories about how bad you are at athletics. randomly cheer for both teams. eat lots of cracker jack.

15. go around the city with sidewalk chalk and draw hearts with equations inside on random things

16. walk around a city and perform short silent plays in front of security cameras

17. with camera and pair of boots, make photo-log of a day in the life of the invisible man.

18. walk around the city all night and find a place to eat breakfast at dawn

19. go to a restaurant and convince the cook to create something completely new for you.

20. rent a movie you’ve never seen before. set on mute and improvise dialogue

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I’m on the edge of glory, hanging on a moment with you

I finally graduated. Finally! So here is a look back at my times in high school:

Freshman year:
September 24th: Drug tested
September 26th: Detention
October 31st: Halloween party at chruch
November 13th: Detention
December 11th: Pick up class ring
January 22nd: Failing Biology
January 24th: Cody cut in the bathroom and the jock like guys dragged him out of the bathroom.
February 19th: Cody OD’d.
February 25th: Went to Wendy’s with Shawn, Lindsey, Hope, Ethan, Ashley and Katie.
February 26th: Skipped class with Cody
February 27th: Choir tryouts at 15:30. Joy and Chrissy held an intervention.
February 28th: Was going to commit suicide, however Chris asked me out, so I gave him a chance.
March 1st: Went to Vantage Point with Chris
March 8th: Shawn’s birthday party
March 19th: Dentist appointment
March 27th: Pierced belly button, went to Def Leppard, REO Speedwagon and Styx concert.
April 19th: Watched Prom Night with Chris
May 1st: Skipped class
May 17th: Chris came to singsation party and left super early
May 22nd: Detention
May 24th: Molly and Kaitlyn’s grad party
May 29th: Detention

Sophomore Year:
August 2nd: Chris went to Indiana Beach with Joe where Joe told Chris’s grandparents that we are engaged.
August 6th: Chris back
August 11th: Picked up Tiffany
August 14th: Chris told parents about engagement
August 16th: Told my mom. Ashley’s wedding.
September 1st: Went to Labor Day cook out with Chris and Joe
September 16th: Detention
September 19th: Great Times Youth Lock In with Chris
October 13th: Chris “proposed”
October 15th: Kinda sorta kissed Steve
October 25th: Went to Halloween party.
October 29th: Laser tag.
November 8th: Went to HSM3 with Joy, Chrissy, and Gabby
December 5th: Mr. Gallion’s wife had her baby
December 17th: Chris is bisexual and has been cheating on me.
December 23rd: Chris and Joe had sex again.
January 20th: Obama inauguration.
January 31st: Went to Snowball. Chris didn’t hardly dance with me therefore it was pointless that I even went.
February 14th: Chris and Joe. Again.
February 15th: JJ’s baby shower for Micheal.
February 28th: One year with Chris. JJ gave birth via C-section
March 26th: Lost my cellphone
April 2nd: Went to Brittany’s birthday party
April 6th: Car crashed into school
May 16th: Went to see Obsessed with Kelsey
May 29th: Gallion booted me up to Emerald Suite

Junior Year:
August 4th: Went to Indiana Beach with Chris. Lost virginity.
August 7th: Came home.
August 23rd: Went to see Time Traveler’s Wife.
September 10th: Detention
September 12th: Choreography
September 30th: Horseback Riding
October 9th: McDonalds interview
October 13th: Get work permit
October 14th: McDonalds orientation
October 29th: Went to see Cirque du Freak with Chris
November 4th: Applebee’s lamp fell on my head. Gained a concussion.
November 10th: Detention
January 20th: Dehydrated and low iron = Anemic
February 5th: Matt called me to tell me that I couldn’t work.
February 28th: 2 Years with Chris
April 22nd: Got drivers liscense.
May 1st: SAT Test
May 6th: Broke up with Chris… Violently.
May 8th: Went to Prom and started dating Steve.
May 28th: Went to Cedar Point
June 10th: Went to POTO
June 15th: Left for DUNAMIS!

Senior Year:
June 29th: Started dating Matt
June 30th: Caught trying to go on a date with Matt
July 17th: Matt left for AT
July 29th: Matt came home
August 7th: Left for Pigeon Forge
August 13th: Took Matt’s virginity
August 21st: Spent night with Matt
August 29th: Matt went to hospital
September 17th: Homecoming Parade
September 22nd: Found out about deployment
October 22nd: Dad has cancer.
October 26th; Grandma slipped into coma
November 3rd: Broke Matt’s texting.
November 8th: Saw Mike for first time in forever
November 25th: Matt came over for Thanksgiving.
January 7th: Board Opping
January 19th: EKG, and have to get ultrasounds
January 22nd: Caitlin and Brandy’s party
January 25th: Ultrasound
January 28th: Matt called away to Louisiana
January 29th: Placed silver at ISSMA
February 2nd: ICEPOCALYPSE!!!
February 4th: Picked Caitlin up from Muncie and got Taco Bell chucked at me.
February 10th: Jace’s surgery
February 12th: Picked up Matt from airport!
February 14th: Matt bought me a necklace for Doomsday.
February 19th: Went on a date with Matt to the PX and Applebees.
March 18th: Kaitlyn degraded me.
April 16th: My Pure Romance Party
April 19th: Made prom happen for Jake and Viki
April 28th: Got nails done
May 2nd: Bin Laden killed
May 6th: Friday School
May 7th: Went to Prom with Matt and ate Rally’s. Post prom sucked so we bought Sims 3 instead.
May 26th: Choral Awards Night.
May 29th: Indy 500. Matt lost phone and I got sunburned.
June 2nd: Bomb threat
June 4th: Graduation Party
June 5th: Commencement
June 6th: Went to the zoo.

The Wedding Hoopblah is OVER! (Normal Life May Now Resume)

Yay for no more wedding stuff! I was almost heart wrenching to watch all of this unfold. Just too many rings flying around all willy-nilly. I know it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that I am upset. It doesn’t matter if anyone cares. But the truth is I want a promise. A guaranteed future for myself. And the other night, I snapped.

Prety nasty. Especially towards girls who are my friends. But thats the entire problem. They are my friends.

One is a free spirit. She cut her hair on a whim and looks for a great time, wherever she is. She doesn’t have set plans and career is always first for her. Always, always, always. Her boyfriend wants commitment and she agreed half heartedly, knowing he’s not the one for her. If I remember right, there is a 2013 wedding in the mix for these two.

Another one has been by his side for 3 years, almost as long as he has been in the Army. And they fight like cats and dogs. No one is ever right, they are not considerate of the others feelings and the second he heard about deployment, he proposed. They are getting married on Halloween, I believe.

She hadn’t even been with him for 6 months when on Christmas day, he asked her to marry him before his deployment. Now she’ll be a junior while he goes to basic and on December 3rd, 2012, they’ll tie their own knot.

There is the uber feminist that shaved her head because she wanted to, but not her legs. She has been with her guy for about two years, give or take a while and wears tie dye sweat pants to school. No denying that she has an amazing personality, but also a set 2012 wedding.

These girls, plus many others with less than favorable relationships, are all engaged. They have what I crave with my heart because a marriage is my dream. I want to be a housewife with all of my heart and yet these girls are somehow getting it… HOW!?!

I proposed to Matt too… Ring and all. He just looked at me and said “Someday.” I ask near constantly, taking it in my hands and I don’t even… UGH!

I’ve told him, if he doesn’t want marriage to just tell me. I just want a commitment. I even brought up handfasting. He said it sounded too much like a wedding… At least I tried to make a compromise. Right?

I was going to…

Rave about the Nintendo 3DS. How awesome it really is. And I might still do that.

Or talk about my upcoming PureRomance party…

How meeting and communicating with Matt’s parents made me feel comfortable today…

Instead I find myself already pissed, and upset.

I am SICK and MOTHER FUCKING TIRED of people deciding that they can choose how MY LIFE is FUCKING LEAD!!!

In the past few months I have been told I am:
Immature
Stupid
Disrespectful
Impatient (true)
Dumb
Whore
Liar
Manipulator

and shit load of other things by Matt’s “family” of friends.

Let me get this straight.

Because I have goals and thoughts and morals I am all of the above. Riiight. I have sat down, face to face with each person starting shit with me and each time I am ripped a new fucking asshole and I’m just supposed to let it roll of my shoulders.

(Currently I am in an empty lobby, no one around, nothing to eat or drink, and trying not to break into tears because he is also here, but I am so pissed off I feel my face heating up and I feel the tears coming)

Matt’s ideal future is to work all the way up to the deployment and seal up or store his life up in the apartment or a storage unit. He wants to get through it and expects his life will radically change. He expects that he will be some inhuman beast, throughly changed through war. He wants to be completely sure that he will be the same or close to the same person before he can make any choice including the rest of his life including but not limited to;

Re-Enlisting
Becoming more of a manager
Marriage
Children
Getting an actual house
Going to college

And a lot of other things that I am not entirely sure of yet.

These dogtags are supposed to represent that I am to be a full fledged part of his future.

Now. Here’s my stance:

My number one goal and dream is to be a respected wife and mother. That’s all. I want to graduate, move in to his place and stay there through deployment. I could get a power of attorney or a joint account to pay for the rent because alone I make way too little to support the apartment and my vehicle. Or we could be married, he could put me down as his spouse and all of a sudden a magic thing called BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) will kick in. To recieve BAH you must be active military and it will match your areas normal rent/mortgage payment due to that areas cost of living. Pretty cool huh? The thing is you have to report someone as dependant on you for survival. The BAH is to make up for the income lost due to that family members deployment. Family members this applies to is your spouse, your children and a fellow family member who relies on you for their health care. This family member can also be enrolled in DEERS. Kinda awesome actually.

So I want to be in the apartment, keeping it home for him while he is gone. I want to be there when he comes home. I want to be by his side and yes, I do want that crazy white wedding. But more importantly I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with him.

If the deployment wouldn’t fork things up, around, sideways and backwards… I would be perfectly fine with this waiting. Because everything is forking around, I feel kinda torn.

I feel morally wrong for even thinking of having sex with someone who hasn’t asked me to marry them.
I feel morally wrong for even thinking of living with someone who hasn’t asked me to marry them.

Am I wrong becase this is actually hurting me?

All I need is for him to tell me that I don’t have to wait for long. Thats all I need. But with not knowing when my dreams and my wishes will be fullfilled….

Its like the line thing. They did this scientific expirement. When you know how long you have to wait, you tend to be more willing to wait. When you don’t know you get agitated easily. Its basic human nature in which you as a victim have no control and the person in control has complete control.

I don’t think I’m explaining much but it makes sense to me.

The Military and Me

This is the National Guard insignia. Out of all of the military symbols I have grown to respect, this one is my entire heart. This symbol is his life… At least until he gets out.

He being my Matthew. I’ve seen milspouses call their husbands G.I. Joe, “M”, the DH, and many other but theres something about that. He isn’t just a soldier. It took me a while to start realizing that online but… he isn’t his title. He is my Matthew.

We met through work… Me in my red crew shirt and him in a management gig. He has been there for 8 years now, and my measly “working on 2” pales in comparison. We would joke around on slow nights and I honestly thought he was a total fruitcake. Guess not right? We have bonded over ketchup, pokemon and George of the Jungle. Our first kiss was a total surprise and totally justified.

But I didn’t know about the military. Not until after we started dating.

If I had payed attention… I would’ve noticed.

But I sat down in that apartment and looked around when he wasn’t home. Boots by the door. ACUs on the floor. National Guard pack by the TV. I felt… Lost.

It was a whole new world I had no idea about.

And I was scared.

A world of questions and what if’s. Until he asked me one thing.

Could I deal with the knock on the door?

To be honest… I’m still not sure. But I am positive I will always be by this mans side. Until death do we part.

Get Ready to RANT!

OK. So Matt is in training right now and its some of the biggest BS I can think of. The apartment complex knows that he’s in the Bayou on orders and still they wanna bitch at him…

He made out a money order for his rent, but the people in the office ripped it up. And they let him know the day before he left (pretty much) and leaving him with no way to get them the rent. So I’ve been looking at apartment after apartment but being in the heartland theres not many here unless we head into Indianapolis. And that can’t happen. For one, I have school here, and in a near by town. He has his job here, and a damn good one for fast food. I can get whatever I can, preferably Starbucks or shit like that. Not a lot of people and can bring home however much coffee I’d like.

I have 9 days until he comes home. And on that day, I have to go pick him up. We don’t know when the plane comes in, and I’m being serious. I don’t know the terminal. But I have to find some way to get his rent in because if it isn’t in by the day he comes home, he is up for immediate eviction and collection adding a total of $496 to his current rent bringing the current cost of living up to over $1,000.

We are in a world of shit. So I am going to be telling my mom to bring home around 17 boxes of a decent size and some duct tape from the factory. If this is how fucked up its gonna get, I ain’t gonna let him have all his shit thrown to the dogs. And if I can help it, he sure as hell ain’t gonna be living with the Harris’s or Birdwell’s. He’ll be with me. Unless…

A few girls at our work had an awesome deal going. $100 for a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house in the middle of P-Town. It was a great place, cozy and warm. Right next to the police station and only about a 30 minute walk from work. A 10 minute drive, including time wasted at stoplights. Mighty fine place. But they never paid rent, so the owner sold the place from under them. Its probably well on its way to being sold by the time he gets back, but he was gonna talk to the owner to see if he could halt the process and pay a little more. It would have been a great place for us and for another family here. But due to the daughter being on Medicaid, we can’t. She’d loose her benefits and her mom depends on those. The probability of all of this working out is low though…

Our next option, due to P-Town having nothing is Greenfield. But I wanna get on a lease with Matt, so he’d have to find a new home until I graduate. Or we can go to Anderson… But he’d hate that…

A decent idea is him living with me at my parents but him going for that isn’t likely. And my mom liking that is even less likely… Dad? Lets not talk about him. He’s gone. Maybe not physically but mentally.

As for current ideals and shit, I just want him to have a place to call home. Without owing debt to his friends. I mean, goddamnit, its the beginning of OUR life not everyone elses.

And as if all this shit wasn’t bad enough if we leave now, he breaks lease. And we don’t have enough time to pack if they go for immediate eviction. And he’ll get an attorney to fight this but the fact is I don’t think we have a chance in this case. I wish it was as easy as just saying “Fuck you guys!” But its not. He’s loosing this apartment.

I heard I can sign the money order and everything would be good but I am not anywhere close to having a power of attorney. I’m not legally one, I am not his fiancée, or his wife. I should, legally, stay out of it and let him loose his home but thats the thing….

I spend so much time being this Military Wife In Training that I do everything. And this is no different from my normal life. I’m always the one who ends up doing these kinds of things because its what is easy and what is expected. I would’ve faired better in the 40’s or 50’s. Honestly…

I want to stand by him as his wife, and yes I said it, WIFE. I don’t want another place in this world….

And on a small note, I hope he knows that this course is step one in becoming an NCO… And if he makes an NCO rank? Cool. But when that contract is up, its up. No re-upping.