Rave about the Nintendo 3DS. How awesome it really is. And I might still do that.
Or talk about my upcoming PureRomance party…
How meeting and communicating with Matt’s parents made me feel comfortable today…
Instead I find myself already pissed, and upset.
I am SICK and MOTHER FUCKING TIRED of people deciding that they can choose how MY LIFE is FUCKING LEAD!!!
In the past few months I have been told I am:
and shit load of other things by Matt’s “family” of friends.
Let me get this straight.
Because I have goals and thoughts and morals I am all of the above. Riiight. I have sat down, face to face with each person starting shit with me and each time I am ripped a new fucking asshole and I’m just supposed to let it roll of my shoulders.
(Currently I am in an empty lobby, no one around, nothing to eat or drink, and trying not to break into tears because he is also here, but I am so pissed off I feel my face heating up and I feel the tears coming)
Matt’s ideal future is to work all the way up to the deployment and seal up or store his life up in the apartment or a storage unit. He wants to get through it and expects his life will radically change. He expects that he will be some inhuman beast, throughly changed through war. He wants to be completely sure that he will be the same or close to the same person before he can make any choice including the rest of his life including but not limited to;
Becoming more of a manager
Getting an actual house
Going to college
And a lot of other things that I am not entirely sure of yet.
These dogtags are supposed to represent that I am to be a full fledged part of his future.
Now. Here’s my stance:
My number one goal and dream is to be a respected wife and mother. That’s all. I want to graduate, move in to his place and stay there through deployment. I could get a power of attorney or a joint account to pay for the rent because alone I make way too little to support the apartment and my vehicle. Or we could be married, he could put me down as his spouse and all of a sudden a magic thing called BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) will kick in. To recieve BAH you must be active military and it will match your areas normal rent/mortgage payment due to that areas cost of living. Pretty cool huh? The thing is you have to report someone as dependant on you for survival. The BAH is to make up for the income lost due to that family members deployment. Family members this applies to is your spouse, your children and a fellow family member who relies on you for their health care. This family member can also be enrolled in DEERS. Kinda awesome actually.
So I want to be in the apartment, keeping it home for him while he is gone. I want to be there when he comes home. I want to be by his side and yes, I do want that crazy white wedding. But more importantly I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with him.
If the deployment wouldn’t fork things up, around, sideways and backwards… I would be perfectly fine with this waiting. Because everything is forking around, I feel kinda torn.
I feel morally wrong for even thinking of having sex with someone who hasn’t asked me to marry them.
I feel morally wrong for even thinking of living with someone who hasn’t asked me to marry them.
Am I wrong becase this is actually hurting me?
All I need is for him to tell me that I don’t have to wait for long. Thats all I need. But with not knowing when my dreams and my wishes will be fullfilled….
Its like the line thing. They did this scientific expirement. When you know how long you have to wait, you tend to be more willing to wait. When you don’t know you get agitated easily. Its basic human nature in which you as a victim have no control and the person in control has complete control.
I don’t think I’m explaining much but it makes sense to me.