We laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling, content in each others presence. I never told you about the phantom pain in my wrist, or the slightly spiritual part of me that said someone I loved was in great pain. (By the way, the song you’re hearing me hum is “Saltwater Room” by Owl City).
And in your makeshift home, our lips crashed together, melted and fused two souls. I checked my phone a little after every beep just to see who exactly was texting me. It was always facebook but we both kinda hoped it was my father allowing more time. In fact, if I had my way, you’d be asleep and I’d be curled up in your arms, ever the insomniac and overthinking the simple promises you make.
Its been a month since we announced everything. You realize that? Well, not precisely. The day it really was a month we were busy having our first conversation in 2 weeks. A lot of late night talks and ice cream got me through that. (Ooooh trust me. I RAIDED MARSHS!)
I wish the winter was back around. The heat kills me inside, and I just want to bundle up next to you and watch the fat flakes fall outside. Perhaps even dive into it myself. As long as you and some hot chocolate awaits me, I’d be fine.
I’ve had these dreams about winter lately. (Winter is my favorite season. It suits me.) A yellow and brown house on the corner, with an oak tree. One bathroom, three bedrooms. Brown carpeting, a garage, and parquet wood tiling. Fenced back yard and huge side lawn. It is the home I grew up in. Sometimes it used to snow so much that the door could hardly open, so we’d stay inside. And I would sit at the window, staring at the yard, wishing someone was awake so that I may play.
But nevermind that, caught in memories of happy places. It was us this time. In the same damn community I grew up in. A long dark brown haired, smiling daughter (I swear, she was so much like you…) who wore her pink Hello Kitty jacket in pride as she marched through the snow to the bus. The same bus stop I stood at nearly 20 years before. Her brother chasing after her, tossing snow balls. I woke and I thought how weird it was. It’s not like its my first dream but that seemed to be just a fragment of something I was missing. I felt like I was missing this huge puzzle piece. And then I realized it was you.
See, right now, if you read this entire blog, I’d be kinda embarrassed. Theres so many shades of my soul on display here. Theres duty, hope, love, and the future. And thats off the top of my head.
I want so much I feel like I may burst. But I wouldn’t fast forward these moments for anything. This is all I have.
So sleep on, dream on. Make contented sounds. Listen to me subconsciously giggle and sigh as I type. Practically blow UP my cheeks when I puff them in frustration when words elude me, or I can’t figure out how to spell elude.
And btw, yes, I keep repeating “I love you.” Get over it, kindly.