Wearing a shirt, clinging to my soldier.

Archive for the ‘coping’ Category

Let All Oz Be Agreed…

I’m WICKED.

Wicked stoked that was this morning when I woke up because I was absolutely positive I’d be heading to FRG… See, FRG stands for Family Readiness Group. Here’s an excellent description. Think of a room, full of Army Wives and Girlfriends and as far as I know its just conversation and support. Sounds beautiful.

So I wake up, roll out of bed and sit there. Looking at my closet wondering what I should be wearing. Would they be like, uber dressed up or jeans and t-shirt? So I picked the middle route with a purple plaid top, button up, of course and a white tank top. Skinny ‘jeggings’ and I thought I could just run out to the apartment and get my boots but then it would be way out of the way and I wasn’t even sure if I’d have the gas. So I’m feeling pretty good.

I walk out of my bedroom and my mother tells me straight up that I’m not going. Claiming its too far away and that she hasn’t seen her mother in ‘days’ and yeah… I get it. But we agreed that my preparation for this deployment, whether or not it is immediate is important to how well I will survive with him.

I sat down in my room, on the ACU bed sheets I love so much. I fired off an email to the FRG leader and painstakingly told Matthew our plans were off…

See, we were supposed to drive back together and then sit down and plan this road trip we are thinking about taking after I graduate. He wants to go spelunking at Mammoth Cave… Me? Cincinnati.

Then my dad calls for me so I’m kinda like “Great, what now?” And turns out my grandmother went into full cardiac arrest with no code so she was rushed to Marion. Now I’m getting in a car and clutching my MWIT dog tags to my heart and sitting in a car with my mother. Who is still not happy with me. So then I pay for everything… Gas. My cigarette avoidance ((AKA STARBUCKS)). Food. And I really didn’t mind. I figure I’ll be paid back and it won’t be that big of a deal. Its like putting my money in a reserve.

She was on a vent and not that responsive at all. Kinda sucks. So then MGH came to the choice AGAIN that they can’t take care of her. So they sent her to Ft. Wayne.

We followed of course and on the way up there we saw an Ft. Wayne ambulance going the other way. So I call MGH who connects me to MGH dispatch who then connect me to Ft. Wayne dispatch to find out that the ambulance never made it out of Marion and now we are a good hour ahead of my grandmother. And the ambulance we saw was the replacement.

After getting lost in the hospital due to my love of stairs and getting majorly freaked out from landing in the NICU…. It was a stressful day.

Now I find out Matt has paper work for me at 0600… Great… I think I have a right to be a little scared. I mean ARMY paperwork? I can guess of what it is but I have NO IDEA.

Now on top of all this, on December 26th, cramps from hell came back. I was curled up in this tiny little ball bawling in Matthew’s arms and still had to go to work for 8 hours. It sucked ass. I was in so much pain. And now its back. As I sit here, its like a stabbing and ripping pain and I wanna wake Matt up and ask him to get me some pain killers but it was a drill weekend and its not like he can do too much. So I’ll tough it out. As always.

I also went to Wicked with my best friend Brittany. BAWLED when “No Good Deed” started. I mean first chords and the tears came. They couldn’t stop. Something about it just rings a chord. I don;t want Matt to get hurt. What MWIT does?

I also got my cartilage done. Hurt like a ^&$*%. Worth it. 🙂

Also did an excellent job at the station on Friday. Congrads to Kendall Waters for some amazing shots. Arabians won 59 to 41 at the Madison County Championship against the Anderson Indians at the Wigwam.

So here’s Matt’s reason for the hold up.

He doesn’t know who he’ll come home as. He doesn’t want something bad to happen and have me regret this choice that I am ready for. So we are waiting on moving in and engagement and consequently, marriage to cut back on a risk of future abuse or divorce. Honestly, it is a great thing for us. Not just me. Not just him. Us. I will get through this. So will he. We will do this together. We are not alone.

I think the biggest weapon I posses right now is hope. What would I be without hope? I would be nothing.

So Matt… If you want to read this in the future, and this deployment is behind us. And if you’re ready…

Silver. Size 6. Ish. Blue Sapphire or Amethyst. Minimum diamond useage. And please… Surprise me. 🙂

My answer is yes, always.

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Coping Mechanisms

So to cope with the silence from my soldier being in training, I have been writing this blog and communicating with a friend I mentioned earlier: Jace. Jace is by far the greatest guy I know, second to my soldier. And its not what he does for people, its him as a person. He has a sense of humor that is off the charts and keeps my mind off of things I don’t need to be worried about. He is also going through the upcoming deployment of his brother. Jace has strong reassuring words and I am proud to have him as my best friend. I bring my concerns to him, because he is the closest person I know I can talk about this kind of stuff with.

The next closest, is my soldiers best friend. Josh is.. Dorky. (God I hope he never reads this) And Josh is the least of all focused on work (Because we [Josh, Soldier and I] work together at the same McDonalds) but he knows his best friend. He updates me on the bet ’round the workplace everyone has set on Soldier and I’s relationship and we laugh at some of the numbers. I talk to him frequently because he reminds me that Soldier will not leave me alone without a fight.

Carrie… We have a VERY turbulent past, but her Marine is about to hit basic (or whatever the Marines call their training.) We both eagerly await their homecoming in very different ways.

On VampireFreaks.com, There is a group called “Army Wives and Girlfriends”. I lead the thread Support Buddy to connect Wives, Girlfriends and Soldiers in the service to buddies that can help ease the pain of separation.  I connect in some very basic ways: Deployment, Branch and Relation. Some people do not have buddies (myself included) but with this awesome support group I build each day, I see more and more of a future.

I read some of his stuff he’s posted. It brings smiles to my face and makes me feel connected. So does exercise and involving myself wholly in work. I CAN make it through this.

Deployment is hard. But I will not abandon him. I will not leave. I will not break any promise I have made. But I cannot stop living my life because he is gone. I must push forward.

To answer questions, When he deploys I will be a sophomore/junior in college. Depending on my coursework, where I am and what I am studying, my leave to travel with TWLOHA will coincide nicely. I need to help others and help myself. I will not drop out. I will return from TWLOHA and remain at home with him for his leave, before immersing back into school and work.

I have many more friends other than the ones I have mentioned. But these friend have reached out and reassured. I apologize for any offenses gained if you were not mentioned.