Wearing a shirt, clinging to my soldier.

Archive for the ‘coping’ Category

Get Ready to RANT!

OK. So Matt is in training right now and its some of the biggest BS I can think of. The apartment complex knows that he’s in the Bayou on orders and still they wanna bitch at him…

He made out a money order for his rent, but the people in the office ripped it up. And they let him know the day before he left (pretty much) and leaving him with no way to get them the rent. So I’ve been looking at apartment after apartment but being in the heartland theres not many here unless we head into Indianapolis. And that can’t happen. For one, I have school here, and in a near by town. He has his job here, and a damn good one for fast food. I can get whatever I can, preferably Starbucks or shit like that. Not a lot of people and can bring home however much coffee I’d like.

I have 9 days until he comes home. And on that day, I have to go pick him up. We don’t know when the plane comes in, and I’m being serious. I don’t know the terminal. But I have to find some way to get his rent in because if it isn’t in by the day he comes home, he is up for immediate eviction and collection adding a total of $496 to his current rent bringing the current cost of living up to over $1,000.

We are in a world of shit. So I am going to be telling my mom to bring home around 17 boxes of a decent size and some duct tape from the factory. If this is how fucked up its gonna get, I ain’t gonna let him have all his shit thrown to the dogs. And if I can help it, he sure as hell ain’t gonna be living with the Harris’s or Birdwell’s. He’ll be with me. Unless…

A few girls at our work had an awesome deal going. $100 for a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house in the middle of P-Town. It was a great place, cozy and warm. Right next to the police station and only about a 30 minute walk from work. A 10 minute drive, including time wasted at stoplights. Mighty fine place. But they never paid rent, so the owner sold the place from under them. Its probably well on its way to being sold by the time he gets back, but he was gonna talk to the owner to see if he could halt the process and pay a little more. It would have been a great place for us and for another family here. But due to the daughter being on Medicaid, we can’t. She’d loose her benefits and her mom depends on those. The probability of all of this working out is low though…

Our next option, due to P-Town having nothing is Greenfield. But I wanna get on a lease with Matt, so he’d have to find a new home until I graduate. Or we can go to Anderson… But he’d hate that…

A decent idea is him living with me at my parents but him going for that isn’t likely. And my mom liking that is even less likely… Dad? Lets not talk about him. He’s gone. Maybe not physically but mentally.

As for current ideals and shit, I just want him to have a place to call home. Without owing debt to his friends. I mean, goddamnit, its the beginning of OUR life not everyone elses.

And as if all this shit wasn’t bad enough if we leave now, he breaks lease. And we don’t have enough time to pack if they go for immediate eviction. And he’ll get an attorney to fight this but the fact is I don’t think we have a chance in this case. I wish it was as easy as just saying “Fuck you guys!” But its not. He’s loosing this apartment.

I heard I can sign the money order and everything would be good but I am not anywhere close to having a power of attorney. I’m not legally one, I am not his fiancĂ©e, or his wife. I should, legally, stay out of it and let him loose his home but thats the thing….

I spend so much time being this Military Wife In Training that I do everything. And this is no different from my normal life. I’m always the one who ends up doing these kinds of things because its what is easy and what is expected. I would’ve faired better in the 40’s or 50’s. Honestly…

I want to stand by him as his wife, and yes I said it, WIFE. I don’t want another place in this world….

And on a small note, I hope he knows that this course is step one in becoming an NCO… And if he makes an NCO rank? Cool. But when that contract is up, its up. No re-upping.

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Let All Oz Be Agreed…

I’m WICKED.

Wicked stoked that was this morning when I woke up because I was absolutely positive I’d be heading to FRG… See, FRG stands for Family Readiness Group. Here’s an excellent description. Think of a room, full of Army Wives and Girlfriends and as far as I know its just conversation and support. Sounds beautiful.

So I wake up, roll out of bed and sit there. Looking at my closet wondering what I should be wearing. Would they be like, uber dressed up or jeans and t-shirt? So I picked the middle route with a purple plaid top, button up, of course and a white tank top. Skinny ‘jeggings’ and I thought I could just run out to the apartment and get my boots but then it would be way out of the way and I wasn’t even sure if I’d have the gas. So I’m feeling pretty good.

I walk out of my bedroom and my mother tells me straight up that I’m not going. Claiming its too far away and that she hasn’t seen her mother in ‘days’ and yeah… I get it. But we agreed that my preparation for this deployment, whether or not it is immediate is important to how well I will survive with him.

I sat down in my room, on the ACU bed sheets I love so much. I fired off an email to the FRG leader and painstakingly told Matthew our plans were off…

See, we were supposed to drive back together and then sit down and plan this road trip we are thinking about taking after I graduate. He wants to go spelunking at Mammoth Cave… Me? Cincinnati.

Then my dad calls for me so I’m kinda like “Great, what now?” And turns out my grandmother went into full cardiac arrest with no code so she was rushed to Marion. Now I’m getting in a car and clutching my MWIT dog tags to my heart and sitting in a car with my mother. Who is still not happy with me. So then I pay for everything… Gas. My cigarette avoidance ((AKA STARBUCKS)). Food. And I really didn’t mind. I figure I’ll be paid back and it won’t be that big of a deal. Its like putting my money in a reserve.

She was on a vent and not that responsive at all. Kinda sucks. So then MGH came to the choice AGAIN that they can’t take care of her. So they sent her to Ft. Wayne.

We followed of course and on the way up there we saw an Ft. Wayne ambulance going the other way. So I call MGH who connects me to MGH dispatch who then connect me to Ft. Wayne dispatch to find out that the ambulance never made it out of Marion and now we are a good hour ahead of my grandmother. And the ambulance we saw was the replacement.

After getting lost in the hospital due to my love of stairs and getting majorly freaked out from landing in the NICU…. It was a stressful day.

Now I find out Matt has paper work for me at 0600… Great… I think I have a right to be a little scared. I mean ARMY paperwork? I can guess of what it is but I have NO IDEA.

Now on top of all this, on December 26th, cramps from hell came back. I was curled up in this tiny little ball bawling in Matthew’s arms and still had to go to work for 8 hours. It sucked ass. I was in so much pain. And now its back. As I sit here, its like a stabbing and ripping pain and I wanna wake Matt up and ask him to get me some pain killers but it was a drill weekend and its not like he can do too much. So I’ll tough it out. As always.

I also went to Wicked with my best friend Brittany. BAWLED when “No Good Deed” started. I mean first chords and the tears came. They couldn’t stop. Something about it just rings a chord. I don;t want Matt to get hurt. What MWIT does?

I also got my cartilage done. Hurt like a ^&$*%. Worth it. 🙂

Also did an excellent job at the station on Friday. Congrads to Kendall Waters for some amazing shots. Arabians won 59 to 41 at the Madison County Championship against the Anderson Indians at the Wigwam.

So here’s Matt’s reason for the hold up.

He doesn’t know who he’ll come home as. He doesn’t want something bad to happen and have me regret this choice that I am ready for. So we are waiting on moving in and engagement and consequently, marriage to cut back on a risk of future abuse or divorce. Honestly, it is a great thing for us. Not just me. Not just him. Us. I will get through this. So will he. We will do this together. We are not alone.

I think the biggest weapon I posses right now is hope. What would I be without hope? I would be nothing.

So Matt… If you want to read this in the future, and this deployment is behind us. And if you’re ready…

Silver. Size 6. Ish. Blue Sapphire or Amethyst. Minimum diamond useage. And please… Surprise me. 🙂

My answer is yes, always.

Sinking Down

So this is my crash. This is my burn. This is how I slam into pavement and rise, bloodied and broken to track down the heart that fled. This is how I snarl with a mouth full of crimson. This is how despite the pain in every movement, I keep moving.

Maybe I can reach safe harbor; a sunset off in the distance with open arms. Maybe I can draw from some old well, long forgotten and covered in ivy in the woods, some random semblance of strength.

If I bite hard enough.
If I scratch deep enough.
If my soul burns enough.

Can I erase this past that wakes me in the night to hurl into a porcelain goddess? Can I wipe away mascara tracks forever and smile like I mean it?

Oh please, tell me I can be whole again. Please tell me I have hope. Wrap me in your arms and whisper those words please.

I’m slipping under this storm because in those perfect hazel eyes I want to stay a beautiful secret.

Crawling Across Sand to Sunshine

Just got in Tennessee a few days ago and, sadly, this is my first opportunity to post. I look like Keith Richards on a good day, and have that Nikki Sixx hair that makes me drooool. The bed is soft, warm and loves me as I sit cross legged on the bear comforter. Suction, that little grey cat that Soldier and I created in Build-A-Bear is wearing combat fatigues and laying beside my foot. If I could snap my fingers and you’d be here, my wouldn’t that be a dream?

You said your dream last night was that I returned to your apartment, and you had a bubble bath ready on a scalding level (because only I enjoy scalding water. I never told you why, but I’ll explain in the next paragraph) in which you lit candles and murdered the lights. You joined me and we cuddled, connecting on another “naked together but not having sex” way. Then you admitted you forgot the rest of the dream but you can assume where it went.

I love the scalding water (because I promised to disclose) because it was the best way to get rid of my pain. Both bodily and in my soul. I’d turn the water as hot as possible hoping to blister off these touches that tainted. Hoping to erase memories. And as time went on, the water grew hotter and hotter until now, the room will fill with steam and still I am not satisfied. They have excellent water heaters here in Tennessee. I can’t even get it to go all the way over.

“Crawling Across Sand to Sunshine”

Give me a smile to steal
and carry inside my heart.

I promise this isn’t the last
song I will sing to you in the

dead of the night.
This is the wonderful beginning.

These are the hopes, my
wide awake day dreams,

the wishes we swore went into
fountains everywhere on borrowed change

and onto the wings of airplanes
or shooting stars.

Watch as the world collides with the sun,
You swore you love me until this deed is done.

Watch my lips,
they whisper “This is enough.”

I can’t walk, so I run.
I can’t speak, so I scream.
I can’t just touch, so I love.

(Much love, details and pictures later.)

Preservation

This life I have intruded upon
The life of a soldier
The bag near the kitchen table
The boots near the front door
The pocket notebook of the infantry
The makeshift bed on the floor
This life I stumbled upon
Is so much different than yours

The acu’s piled where all can see
Across the corners of the room
The cat meows softly
She feels the loneliness too

For we both love a single soldier
One who fights for his country
Will sacrifice life and limb
For duty
Honor
And commitment.

I will never take the militias place
Inside of this mans heart
But this precious way of life for him
I will preserve while were apart.

(Wrote this a while ago. Right when Soldier and I started dating. Thought I lost it forever when iPhone didn’t back up.)

Stress. Stress. Stress.

Today is Brickyard meaning we are going to be off and on hit. All. Day. Ugh.
Today was supposed to be something but for the life of me I can’t remember what.
I’m at work, on my break, and watching a crew member give management a massage.
I miss my soldier every damn day. But hey, six days. And everyone is asking when he comes home. Truth is, I’m sick of answering that question. People should know about how much I love him.
In fact some guys have already started calling me Mrs. Scott.
And if I get into the program I want, I’ll be a telecommunications major. And if not, hey, early childhood education. 🙂

I just hope people don’t mind a kindergarten teacher having tons of earrings, a rocking body, and a Mohawk. Oh, and a nose ring.

Ok.

People might mind.

Maybe I’d be a better bartender.

I love my job.

And I’m hoping for a certain national guard tour bus to pull into our parking lot today, containing a certain ‘so tan he’s almost mexican’ skin color, transition glasses and a hyper attitude that puts little kids to shame.

I want my soldiers;
Arms
Kisses
Hugs
Reassurance
Love
Words
Smile
Laughter

Mockingbirds

I feel like I have a loaded trigger finger tonight and a million ideas rushing around my head. Shortly, I was running line today, then we got slammed on machines so I was making every McCafe item. Then I lost my spot running. SO we had this awesome group.

Erica and Karen on Back Cash (Then Sharon, then Caitlin)

Jim and Melinda running (Then Mike, Ryan and Melinda)

Melinda on present (Then Rita, then Lionel)

Mychia on fries (Then Carrie)

Mike on meats (Then Ryan)

Josh, Julie and Steven on assembly (Add Jill)

Amy and Mychia on front line (Then Ashleigh, then Melinda)

Yeah. Individually, most of these people are hard to stand but for some reason today, it was like the Cubs winning the world series. We might not have had the best times but man, we had plenty of people.

Oh, some kid crapped in the mens, and then tracked it into the womens. Then his brother threw up. WONDERFUL! JUST WHAT WE NEEDED! That and I changed the McFrappe bags at least 5 times and the milk baggie once. AND! I filled the shake machine… I am now a verified MACHINE GIRL!

HOOAH!

*silence…echo echo echo*

So to move on with these Bunnies….

*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

Eyes scanning the open expanses she lowered her arms and placed them on the ledge. Her breath was heavy in the morning air and she rubbed her eyes with her shirt. “I can’t take no more…” The world was starting to slow down with every beat of her frantic heart. Another bus rounded the corner. “BUS!” She yelled and focused back on the road, eyes straying to a parking space she knew should be filled with a large, blue chevy van. The doors of the bus opened and her heart leapt and sunk at the sight of ACU’s pouring out.

Some strayed to Burger King. Some stopped and immediately smoked. And the lot of them crept over into her store. In a instant, the store was in a flurry, but her corner remained serene. She kept her eyes down, not bothering to search faces. She knew he wouldn’t be on the bus… Coffee… With shaking hands, she started making a fresh pot.

“Lewis! Here you are sir!”

Who could not look in her face right now, and not see this pain, wrenching inside her chest? A soldier, he’d see her and remember his woman, waiting at home. Just like her. Why should she stress him out? Even better, why should she be stressed out?

“Baker? No… BARKER! Have a great day!”

She tried to focus on anything. Anything but hope. Anything but trying to look up and catch a certain man who certainly was not even in the state‘s eyes. Distracting herself with thoughts of, Wow. My shoes need rinsed off. Need to do that when I get home, to I’m thirsty. Can I sneak a drink?

She watched an ACU out of the corner of her eye lean on the railing and could see he was looking out the window too. She scooted back and let the tears hit her. She turned and looked out side, trying to hide such palpable weakness from this man.

“Why do you need to hide it, pretty kitty?” Her head shot up and she hoped it wasn’t another dream. That this time he was really there.

She placed her left foot behind her right and committed herself to a 180 about face. And behold, her soldier stood. Proud at 5′ 7″, and smile on his tanned face. His glasses were still slightly dark from outside and she gasped. How could she forgotten how amazingly handsome he was?

“Matthew…” Her words weren’t a statement, or a question, but words spoken softly to a lover. She rushed over to the railing and whispered what she had been dying to say ever since he left. “Tonight… Its gonna storm.”

He laughed, “How do you know?”

“Smell of the air, how heavy it is. Its stormed every night since you went away. Every day or night, the skies open and pour down on me. Its like you’re trying to remind me that you still care. “