Wearing a shirt, clinging to my soldier.

Archive for July, 2011

23 card spread

1 cosmic influences beyond human control, what lies beyond the mind; reversed death

Someone refuses to budge, even for their own good. Possible loss of friendship. Beware of accidents.

2,3. Current vibrations and influence on the situation in question; 8 of Cups, Reversed Temperance

Don’t walk away from a situation before it is completed; Don’t turn your back on success
Disharmony; frustration. People working at cross purposes

4. recent past; 5 of Pentacles

Indicates errors and missed opportunities leading to financial trouble.

5. near future; The star

Hope, inspiration from an unexpected source. Foundation sound, change is natural and balanced. A bright future in store

6. moderate past; Reversed 4 of Rods

Progress in small increments. Searching for a lost object

7. modearte future; The Empress

The power of motherhood, earth and practical wisdom. Beautiful and bountiful. Mother of all. Luxury, abundance and pregnancy

8. what has been; 9 of Pentacles

Wisdom, knowledge and talent are present but no love life. Success, recognition and wealth wiwll follow

9. What is coming to be; 10 of Pentacles

Life is full, wealth will be passed down. the family is safe and secure

10. Who you are; 5 of Cups

You feel remorse over severed relationships and unfulfilled dreams

11. What you are; 7 of Cups

A dreamer who is building castles in air instead of on the solid ground

12. who you trust; 8 of Swords

A difficult situation that cannot be ignored

13. who you serve; 5 of Swords

A victory without peace

14. hidden influences; The Tower

Radical transformation

15. projective influences; Reversed 3 of Swords

Confusion and disorientation. Set some priorities and your worries will disappear

16. The Challenge; Reversed Judgement

Stop delaying the inevitable. Indecision leads to missed opportunities

17. the puzzle; 7 of Pentacles

Things will happen, but not now.

18. The burden; Page of Cups

Unexpected news is on the way

19. The task; Queen of Rods

Bring light and love to those around you

20. The problem; 9 of Swords

The night is darkest before the dawn. Action is the antidote to worry.

21. The solution; 8 of rods

The pace is changing, so do not be left behind

22. The source and core of the situation, conflict, can relate to people involved; Knight of Pentacles

Taking responsibilities seriously, and finishing what you start

23. synthesis, the conclusion and result of the situations presence and influene upon the people involved.; Reversed King of Cups

Watch out.

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Tonights a bad night

I look like a normal girl. Pierced nose, crappily done fake nails and bleached hair a la Rogue (X-Men). I am not, fat, nor am I skinny. My boobs suddenly popped out of my chest. I can’t walk gracefully in heels, but I can walk, thank you very much.I get overly emotional at the littlest things, and find myself always either wanting change, or hating it.

My mother has worked factory jobs since I was little, and therefore takes the nightshift. She was often gone after dinner and dinner was actually the only time I saw her. My father however, I saw constantly. A father who is paralyzed, and used to be a drunk… And commander of the local Amvets.And daughter took care of father without a word, and didn’t notice she had no friends as she couldn’t go outside. When mother lost her job, we all uprooted and moved. And I was bullied, harrassed and teased because I had absolutely no social skills, and would rather stay alone.

A kid broke my great grandmothers locket that year. Grabbed it from around my neck and broke the chain and clasp. It was gorgeous. Pure yellow gold and with ornate flowers. Everytime I see gold, I think I hate it because it reminds me of how sad that still makes me. It was my favorite piece of jewelry.

After a few years, and a guy who thought it was his God given right to not only hit me, but slam me up against the lockers in the middle of lunch, in front of the entire cafeteria… We moved again.

I didn’t take anything for an answer. Yes, No. I didn’t care. i was the girl with 5 inch hoops, 10 inch wedges, bells dangling from every spot on my body and a gaudy punk rock style. My hair reached my waist. In one year, a guy sprained both of my ankles and locked me in a mezzanine, 5 guys attacked me in a hallway, leaving me with a scar on my wrist so badly I can easily point it out, and I went on the worst crash diet in my entire life.

Mind you, I had been starving for years. Cutting food down graduallyuntil that year, I was eating apples and drinking water. Nothing else. If I was good that week, I got a turkey sandwhich on wheat with mustard. The highlight. If I was bad, I didn’t eat. Period.

I also began cutting and burning rituals which I still have a hard time giving up. Even though my arms have been razor free for 2 years… maybe 3.

After coming to what I saw as my true self and being the happiest I had been in years, we moved again.

I was lost, scared and confused. A freshman who’s new group of friends were all suicidal. That year I discovered My Chemical Romance. But that’s just a random fact that has nothing to do with this.

In February, I was faced with the greatest amount of depression I had ever faced. My cutting? Daily. And my friends were worried about me. I passed out while walking down a hallway, and had no strength to stand, so I crawled to the nurse, only to have her give me crackers and sprite and kick me out of her office for wasting time. My conselours did nothing. My church turned its back on me. I was alone.

So after an intervention, I had everything ready. I was going to die.

The date was February 28th, 2008.

That day, a guy asked me out. His name was Chris, and he was geekishly handsome. He wanted to go to a movie that Staurday. I decided to live, because everyone deserves a chance. Through all of my pain of recovery, he pushed me to live. But that is all I can thank him for. He cheated on me with another guy whom I had met and risked my life in the process. He beat me, he raped me and he intimidated me. He forced me to pay for dates when he was the one who suggested them and yet I was so willing to do anything to save that relationship. The one relationship that shouldn’t have mattered.

It was a long time. My parents and my friends gave up. Chris and I were in a nightly struggle of screaming at each other then making up because I didn’t want to go to bed angry. He proposed, if you can call it that, with a silver ring with a baguette blue topaz. As more time went on, more pain inflicted and 2 years wasted on something destined to fail, we broke up over a girl.

A girl who I really did love, and cherish and admire. Carrie never judged me, never harmed me. And was completely gorgeous. I told her every single day. And she kept doing drugs and kept risking this amazing chance she had to go to college and get a degree that I wasn’t ready to ( and probably never will be ) receive. I have kissed her lips and imagined doing so too many times. And currently am obsessed with making her hate me, so that I will never ruin what she has. (Sick, isn’t it?)

And in the midst of all that drama, and the above paragraph that makes me believe that either 1. I really am a lesbian after all or 2. I really need Matt to come home. or maybe 3. This is going to be some sappy romance someday….

He gave me a backrub. A mother fucking backrub. And I took a rain check. On a back rub. And after ditching Chris for the girl and dating the girl and another guy at the same time… I honestly cashed in. I cashed in on probably the best thing in my life.

We sat down and he started “George of the Jungle” and started working on my shoulders and back… then he pulled my backwards, between his legs so that my back rested on his chest. And after a few moments, simply kissed my temple. I turned to face him, eyes wide, and we kissed. Simple as that.

I would tell you the million things that crossed my mind, but goddamn you all would not get a damn bit of it. Because a few days later, when I asked him what I was, and he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend, I had to make a choice. To be with this suddenly amazing guy, or to continue a life with Carrie.

I broke her heart. I shattered it. She confessed later she tried to hang herself, but couldn’t when she thought of leaving her little brother alone.

A few weeks after I made my choice, he left for AT which is military speak for “No contact, 2 weeks, suck it up”

I recieved this message the day he left:

“As I sit here and wait for my buddy to arrive, I can’t help but to think about our time that we”ve been able to share. Even though it hasn’t been much for most, but for me it was plenty, plenty enough to get you stuck in my head. Now I find myself in a half trance, eyes on my buddy’s uniform as he appears around the corner, mind in a third zone. Somehow, even though I know the law would have it for the time, no force could really stop me from wanting to spend that one more minute or the many to follow it. Finally we drive away and the good was again short, but needless to say, I enjoyed it all the same. –Love you and I’ll be thinking of you and I’ll be missing you in the same. Love, Matthew Jay Scott aka Sir Smiles-a-lot!”

So I embraced the stuffed kitten he bought me (as he still calls me “pretty kitty choir girl’) and beared through three weeks only to have him do the unthinkable.

See, I gave Chris my virginity as a token that I was promised to him forever. Virginity holds a big pull on me. Its your choice. And once I gave that to him, he didn’t treat it as sacred. He took it as owning rights.

Matt felt the same way. He wanted to wait for his wife. That was never a lie to him. He wanted to wait for the one person who would complete him. And I guess that person was me.

It hits me now, as I type this, and have been typing for about an hour that all along he has been showing me that i am that person. I feel so wasted because I already gave that part of me to Chris. There was nothing for me to give Matt. I guess thats why I try to hard to show him every damn day how much I love him and care. I couldn’t show him by being his true wife. And I have been begging him, and begging him to show me that I am his intended and I so easily forget that.

Shortly after, I had the last dinner with my family. I call it the last dinner because it was my birthday, and after that day my world collapsed. My grandmother fell, and broke her hip. Her mother died the same way when she couldn’t makle it through surgery. My grandmother took the surgery but shortly after all of her levels went out of whack and she started going in to comas and seizures. I have lost the plump Grandma I loved, and gained someone who barely knows who I am, and sees things that don’t exist.

As if that wasn’t enough, my father went into the hospital for pain and they found a tumor in his colon. It was 14 cm and certified cancer. After further studies, they found it had spread to his liver. My own father got so bad, on night he called me a worthless bitch. I couldn’t talk to him or look at him for 3 months. I ignored all of his calls, and lived with Matt.

And while all this was going on, I forced my grades to go up to all A’s and kept my life in impeccable order… Somehow hoping if I kept everything perfect, things would go back to the way they were.

Now going through another AT, this time for 3 weeks, and facing a possible deployment…. I feel the most selfish I have ever been in my life.

I don’t want Matt to be deployed.I want to be his wife.
I wish I was pregnant.
I wish my dad didn’t have cancer.
Hell I wish my dad made jokes.
I miss my fiesty, stubborn grandmother.
I miss seeing my grandfather smile.

And you know the saddest part?

Tonight I remember the look in Grandpa’s eyes when he said goodbye to his wife.

If there is a God, I want to know why he hurts people. I want to know why he has made this strong exterior, only to have me break down like this in the middle of the night, with no one around. What am I supposed to learn?

I don’t even know… No one does. Guess its a “God has a plan” thing.

Night.

I want to do these someday with you

1. go on a search for as many good climbing trees as possible, climb as high as you both can in all of them, compile photo evidence

2. go to a major chain bookstore and leave notes to future readers in copies of your favorite books

3. have her dress up as a ghost and you dress up us pacman. walk around downtown holding hands, and whenever anyone sees you two, pretend to be embarrassed, and run off screaming “wocka wocka wocka.”

4. create photo evidence suggesting that you went on an adventure that didn’t really happen

5. dress up as superheroes and stop at least one petty crime “ie. jaywalking, littering….”

6. build forts out of furniture and blankets and wage war with paper airplanes.

7. try and visit as many people as you can in one night and turn as many things inside their apartment upside down as you can without them noticing.

8. go to the airport, get the cheapest, soonest departing flight to anywhere when you show up, and stay there for a weekend.

9. write a piece of fiction together. outside at a cafe. ask strangers when you get stuck.

10. dress to the nines, pretend to be married, and test drive very expensive vehicles at an auto dealership.

11. do the lamest tourist thing in your area that you have both secretly wanted to do forever. have an unabashed good time!

12. in the middle of the night, drive to the beach, so you arrive just as the sun is rising. have a breakfast picnic, then fall asleep together. bring a sun umbrella.

13. drive somewhere unknown and have dinner in a city you’ve never been to. with fake names.

14. go to a minor league baseball game under the stars. tell each other stories about how bad you are at athletics. randomly cheer for both teams. eat lots of cracker jack.

15. go around the city with sidewalk chalk and draw hearts with equations inside on random things

16. walk around a city and perform short silent plays in front of security cameras

17. with camera and pair of boots, make photo-log of a day in the life of the invisible man.

18. walk around the city all night and find a place to eat breakfast at dawn

19. go to a restaurant and convince the cook to create something completely new for you.

20. rent a movie you’ve never seen before. set on mute and improvise dialogue

It has taken me two days to write this

To start off, his ID expired so he fixed that, then we headed off to the PX where I found absolutely nothing. He picked up a few things and we headed off to cash in on dinner. Went to the Children’s Museum, and enjoyed a few exhibits. Both of us became heat exhausted because my car doesn’t have air conditioning. So we stopped off at home. He immediately felt better, and more awake while the energy kept draining out of me. I still drove us back to the apartment where I folded clothes and he sorted and packed. Finally we were hungry and headed to McDonalds where he decided it was not a night for people to see the state I was in. We ordered pizza and breadsticks and relaxed while watching “Family Guy: Blue Harvest”. After sleeping until 1 am, he shakes me the slightest bit, turns off the tv and kisses me. “I love you.” he whispers and presses his lips again and then says “I’m leaving now.”

And he does.

He tried to not make it so hard on me, but somehow I still ended up falling into a little puddle of tears, wishing I had the will to run after him. Maybe even bash him on the head for waking me up when he knows I can’t sleep. But my anger was just based on the fact that he’s gone again.

No. I am not mad he’s in the military. HELLO! That was a preexisting condition. I am not mad he is gone. That comes with the entire military thing.

I resorted to being mad because that is more acceptable to me than sniveling into my pillow. I am mad at what this separation means but also grateful for it. This separation means that there are longer ones to come. But it also means I am more well prepared for him to be gone for a year or more.

So here we go again. This time I am birth control free, adjusting to a more natural life and bigger boobs (which is weird).

I am starting down my path to start TTC. This is my own choice. I know I am 19 years old. I know I am still young. God, I am not even sure about all of this myself. But something is telling my heart that I need to do this. So I am choosing not to listen.

Matthew also has his part in it. He has his own choice, and I am not forcing him to agree with me. After all, he has a half too.

So I have a list of symptoms I have experienced since going off my birth control. I have had:
Nausea
Breast swelling/ growing (I am now a D cup instead of a B/C)
Mood swings
Food aversion

Much love,
Brea

Its One Of Those Days (Nights)

She sits on the edge of the bed and wipes tears from her eyes again. I have tried to comfort her all night but she won’t have any of it. So I lay back and watch her as she tells me how its all wrong and how her dreams are killing her. I could bring up all those times when she would smile, but I don’t feel like breaking her concentration.

I feel so frustrated by the end of it all, and probably say something I don’t mean, but she’ll think I do. She will get upset over the littlest thing, but I always know she will be all right… just not exactly tonight.

===============

I don’t think that I will ever get it. Truly get it, you know? So i guess I will just keep pushing on.

I did the unthinkable. I finally cancelled my pesky pill. Why keep paying $50 to imprison my body when I couldn’t bear to take it every day? And yes, Matt knows. He just doesn’t know how to feel about it. I don’t either. I am too young for kids. Honestly… But…. I want this. And I want him. And I want everything to be okay. Can it all just be ok? Is that too much to ask of the world now a days?

I want that small child in my arms, who needs his parents loving smiles. I want the crazy ass toddler, ripping through Christmas presents. Hell…

Would this be easier, if he had stayed a civilian?

Innocent or Guilty

RULES:
1. You can only say Innocent or Guilty for each question.
2. You are not allowed to explain anything unless someone comments and asks!
(So people reading this, if you want an explanation – comment!)
3. You must be honest!

INSTRUCTIONS:
Copy and paste this to a new facebook note, type in your answers and tag 15 of your friends to answer this.

Asked someone to marry you? Guilty.

Kissed one of your Facebook friends? Guilty.

Danced on a table in a bar? Innocent.

Ever told a lie? Guilty.

Had feelings for someone who you can’t have? Guilty.

Ever had feelings for your friend’s bf/gf? Guilty.

Ever kissed someone of the same sex? Guilty.

Kissed a picture? Guilty.

Slept in until 5 PM? Guilty.

Fallen asleep at work/school? Guilty.

Held a snake? Innocent.

Been suspended from school? Innocent.

Worked at a fast food restaurant? Guilty.

Stolen from a store? Innocent.

Been fired from a job? Innocent.

Done something you regret? Guilty.

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Innocent.

Sat on a roof top? Innocent.

Kissed someone you shouldn’t have? Guilty.

Sang in the shower? Guilty.

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? Innocent.

Shaved your head? Innocent.

Slept naked? Guilty.

Had a gym membership? Innocent.

Made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Guilty.

Been in a band? Innocent.

Donated Blood? Guilty.

Still love someone you shouldn’t? Innocent.

Have a tattoo? Innocent.

Liked someone, but will never tell who? Guilty.

Been too honest? Guilty.

Ruined a surprise? Guilty.

Erased someone in your friends list? Guilty.

Dressed in a woman’s clothes (if your a guy) or man’s clothes (if your a girl)? Guilty.

Had communication with your ex? Guilty.

Got so angry that you cried? Guilty.

Stolen somebody’s partner? Innocent.

Made yourself throw up? Guilty.