Wearing a shirt, clinging to my soldier.

Archive for March, 2011

Post #5: Favorite Quote

i carry your heart : ee cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

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Post #4: Favorite Show

Army Wives!!!

Post #3: Favorite Book

Straight up.

Jane Eyre. Charlotte Bronte.

Jane Eyre is a young orphan being raised by Mrs. Reed, her cruel, wealthy aunt. A servant named Bessie provides Jane with some of the few kindnesses she receives, telling her stories and singing songs to her. One day, as punishment for fighting with her bullying cousin John Reed, Jane’s aunt imprisons Jane in the red-room, the room in which Jane’s Uncle Reed died. While locked in, Jane, believing that she sees her uncle’s ghost, screams and faints. She wakes to find herself in the care of Bessie and the kindly apothecary Mr. Lloyd, who suggests to Mrs. Reed that Jane be sent away to school. To Jane’s delight, Mrs. Reed concurs.

Once at the Lowood School, Jane finds that her life is far from idyllic. The school’s headmaster is Mr. Brocklehurst, a cruel, hypocritical, and abusive man. Brocklehurst preaches a doctrine of poverty and privation to his students while using the school’s funds to provide a wealthy and opulent lifestyle for his own family. At Lowood, Jane befriends a young girl named Helen Burns, whose strong, martyrlike attitude toward the school’s miseries is both helpful and displeasing to Jane. A massive typhus epidemic sweeps Lowood, and Helen dies of consumption. The epidemic also results in the departure of Mr. Brocklehurst by attracting attention to the insalubrious conditions at Lowood. After a group of more sympathetic gentlemen takes Brocklehurst’s place, Jane’s life improves dramatically. She spends eight more years at Lowood, six as a student and two as a teacher.

After teaching for two years, Jane yearns for new experiences. She accepts a governess position at a manor called Thornfield, where she teaches a lively French girl named Adèle. The distinguished housekeeper Mrs. Fairfax presides over the estate. Jane’s employer at Thornfield is a dark, impassioned man named Rochester, with whom Jane finds herself falling secretly in love. She saves Rochester from a fire one night, which he claims was started by a drunken servant named Grace Poole. But because Grace Poole continues to work at Thornfield, Jane concludes that she has not been told the entire story. Jane sinks into despondency when Rochester brings home a beautiful but vicious woman named Blanche Ingram. Jane expects Rochester to propose to Blanche. But Rochester instead proposes to Jane, who accepts almost disbelievingly.

The wedding day arrives, and as Jane and Mr. Rochester prepare to exchange their vows, the voice of Mr. Mason cries out that Rochester already has a wife. Mason introduces himself as the brother of that wife—a woman named Bertha. Mr. Mason testifies that Bertha, whom Rochester married when he was a young man in Jamaica, is still alive. Rochester does not deny Mason’s claims, but he explains that Bertha has gone mad. He takes the wedding party back to Thornfield, where they witness the insane Bertha Mason scurrying around on all fours and growling like an animal. Rochester keeps Bertha hidden on the third story of Thornfield and pays Grace Poole to keep his wife under control. Bertha was the real cause of the mysterious fire earlier in the story. Knowing that it is impossible for her to be with Rochester, Jane flees Thornfield.

Penniless and hungry, Jane is forced to sleep outdoors and beg for food. At last, three siblings who live in a manor alternatively called Marsh End and Moor House take her in. Their names are Mary, Diana, and St. John (pronounced “Sinjin”) Rivers, and Jane quickly becomes friends with them. St. John is a clergyman, and he finds Jane a job teaching at a charity school in Morton. He surprises her one day by declaring that her uncle, John Eyre, has died and left her a large fortune: 20,000 pounds. When Jane asks how he received this news, he shocks her further by declaring that her uncle was also his uncle: Jane and the Riverses are cousins. Jane immediately decides to share her inheritance equally with her three newfound relatives.

St. John decides to travel to India as a missionary, and he urges Jane to accompany him—as his wife. Jane agrees to go to India but refuses to marry her cousin because she does not love him. St. John pressures her to reconsider, and she nearly gives in. However, she realizes that she cannot abandon forever the man she truly loves when one night she hears Rochester’s voice calling her name over the moors. Jane immediately hurries back to Thornfield and finds that it has been burned to the ground by Bertha Mason, who lost her life in the fire. Rochester saved the servants but lost his eyesight and one of his hands. Jane travels on to Rochester’s new residence, Ferndean, where he lives with two servants named John and Mary.

At Ferndean, Rochester and Jane rebuild their relationship and soon marry. At the end of her story, Jane writes that she has been married for ten blissful years and that she and Rochester enjoy perfect equality in their life together. She says that after two years of blindness, Rochester regained sight in one eye and was able to behold their first son at his birth.

Post #2: Favorite Movie(s)

Just the trailers, my friends.

Full Metal Jacket (Trailer is crap, movie is great)

Repo! The Genetic Opera

The Time Traveler’s Wife

30 Day Post in 4 Hours or Less… OH YEAH

Ok. So I am extremely bored and wanna do something mildly productive so post #1: My Favorite Song

Don’t ask me why I love this song so much. It embodies everything that Matthew and I are. 🙂

I was going to…

Rave about the Nintendo 3DS. How awesome it really is. And I might still do that.

Or talk about my upcoming PureRomance party…

How meeting and communicating with Matt’s parents made me feel comfortable today…

Instead I find myself already pissed, and upset.

I am SICK and MOTHER FUCKING TIRED of people deciding that they can choose how MY LIFE is FUCKING LEAD!!!

In the past few months I have been told I am:
Immature
Stupid
Disrespectful
Impatient (true)
Dumb
Whore
Liar
Manipulator

and shit load of other things by Matt’s “family” of friends.

Let me get this straight.

Because I have goals and thoughts and morals I am all of the above. Riiight. I have sat down, face to face with each person starting shit with me and each time I am ripped a new fucking asshole and I’m just supposed to let it roll of my shoulders.

(Currently I am in an empty lobby, no one around, nothing to eat or drink, and trying not to break into tears because he is also here, but I am so pissed off I feel my face heating up and I feel the tears coming)

Matt’s ideal future is to work all the way up to the deployment and seal up or store his life up in the apartment or a storage unit. He wants to get through it and expects his life will radically change. He expects that he will be some inhuman beast, throughly changed through war. He wants to be completely sure that he will be the same or close to the same person before he can make any choice including the rest of his life including but not limited to;

Re-Enlisting
Becoming more of a manager
Marriage
Children
Getting an actual house
Going to college

And a lot of other things that I am not entirely sure of yet.

These dogtags are supposed to represent that I am to be a full fledged part of his future.

Now. Here’s my stance:

My number one goal and dream is to be a respected wife and mother. That’s all. I want to graduate, move in to his place and stay there through deployment. I could get a power of attorney or a joint account to pay for the rent because alone I make way too little to support the apartment and my vehicle. Or we could be married, he could put me down as his spouse and all of a sudden a magic thing called BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) will kick in. To recieve BAH you must be active military and it will match your areas normal rent/mortgage payment due to that areas cost of living. Pretty cool huh? The thing is you have to report someone as dependant on you for survival. The BAH is to make up for the income lost due to that family members deployment. Family members this applies to is your spouse, your children and a fellow family member who relies on you for their health care. This family member can also be enrolled in DEERS. Kinda awesome actually.

So I want to be in the apartment, keeping it home for him while he is gone. I want to be there when he comes home. I want to be by his side and yes, I do want that crazy white wedding. But more importantly I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with him.

If the deployment wouldn’t fork things up, around, sideways and backwards… I would be perfectly fine with this waiting. Because everything is forking around, I feel kinda torn.

I feel morally wrong for even thinking of having sex with someone who hasn’t asked me to marry them.
I feel morally wrong for even thinking of living with someone who hasn’t asked me to marry them.

Am I wrong becase this is actually hurting me?

All I need is for him to tell me that I don’t have to wait for long. Thats all I need. But with not knowing when my dreams and my wishes will be fullfilled….

Its like the line thing. They did this scientific expirement. When you know how long you have to wait, you tend to be more willing to wait. When you don’t know you get agitated easily. Its basic human nature in which you as a victim have no control and the person in control has complete control.

I don’t think I’m explaining much but it makes sense to me.