Wearing a shirt, clinging to my soldier.

Archive for February, 2011

Why Are You Running Away?

In this video, Alexis first asks gays why are they walking away from God. Which is understandable and I get it so I’m watching but Alexis has this way of breaking the fourth wall. And as I’m sitting here, watching this video all I can think is “Why am I running away from him?”

God loves me so much he let his son die by human hands in the most painful way imaginable and let him suffer for a bunch of humans who would never know that kind of pain and all so they did not have to burn forever as long as they believe in Christ and spread his word in hopes that more can be saved. And each time I remember this, I swear to myself I’ll be a better Christian. I’ll meet God’s standards and then I fall so short in his glory and his mercy and love that I feel discouraged. If I can’t be the strong woman God has called me to be, why am I even trying? Why don’t I just give up?

And this brings me to tears and I start to curse myself on the inside because its just one more place that I fail. I fail CONSTANTLY.

I curse.

I disobey my parents.

I get angry.

I commit premarital sex on a near daily basis while trying to justify it by telling myself that we will be married someday (and that does nothing for my self esteem or self image but it feels good so I do it anyways…)

I am a glutton.

I gossip.

I lie.

I don’t say the pledge of alliegance (which, okay, isn’t a sin but sometimes it feels like it.)

I let my mind wander and have homosexual urges.

I sin on a daily basis and still wake up every morning and read a poster to remind myself that God loves me as I can smell the sins rolling off of my body and pooling at my feet.

I don’t pray before eating or sleeping.

I don’t read my bible except when I must.

And when people come to me, confide in me about their lives and in honesty ask me to pray for them, I never fucking do.


I am so set in my sinful ways I can’t even be bothered to be a good Christian… Or even a decent one.

I am not dating a fellow Christian. These dogtags are marked No-Pref. Part of me wishes he was because if there is some form of God in this world, I would want to see him again after death has taken us a part. But in Heaven we are all brothers and sisters of Christ. Not husband and wife and we will not recognize each other as we have been given a new and holy life. So all we have on earth are these memories.

A memory is as false or as true as you rememeber it and as life goes on, our memories fail.

I don’t know where this is leading but I am so scared right now and I’m alone with my thoughts crashing around me. I could use someones advice on so much. Like how can I accept or dismiss loosing my father and grandmother? Or make my boyfriend see that marriage isn’t just a promise he’ll be there tomorrow but a way to make me feel like I’m not completely disobeying God?

Well, time will tell… For now, I must wipe my tears, pet dear old Zelda here and get to work in a few. But I have a lot to think about. So here goes.

Chocolate Cake

Matt and I always make fun of this. Always. So I thought I would share.

The Military and Me

This is the National Guard insignia. Out of all of the military symbols I have grown to respect, this one is my entire heart. This symbol is his life… At least until he gets out.

He being my Matthew. I’ve seen milspouses call their husbands G.I. Joe, “M”, the DH, and many other but theres something about that. He isn’t just a soldier. It took me a while to start realizing that online but… he isn’t his title. He is my Matthew.

We met through work… Me in my red crew shirt and him in a management gig. He has been there for 8 years now, and my measly “working on 2” pales in comparison. We would joke around on slow nights and I honestly thought he was a total fruitcake. Guess not right? We have bonded over ketchup, pokemon and George of the Jungle. Our first kiss was a total surprise and totally justified.

But I didn’t know about the military. Not until after we started dating.

If I had payed attention… I would’ve noticed.

But I sat down in that apartment and looked around when he wasn’t home. Boots by the door. ACUs on the floor. National Guard pack by the TV. I felt… Lost.

It was a whole new world I had no idea about.

And I was scared.

A world of questions and what if’s. Until he asked me one thing.

Could I deal with the knock on the door?

To be honest… I’m still not sure. But I am positive I will always be by this mans side. Until death do we part.

Pure Romance

In the spirit, although passed, of Valentines day, I would like to throw in a well-deserved spot to one of my friends. And with all the news of deployments, its a great idea to stock up on those battery operated boyfriends. Not that anyone complains too much (who can love you more than yourself).

So heres a good, decent list of things on my *wishlist* and a pretty basic description.

To start out, this is Coochy. Its a shaving cream, mostly for your bikini line and those irritating (literally!) bumps. It smells amazing, works great and on top of all of that, makes your hair amazingly soft. It also can be used on your guy to shave his face but most don’t want to smell… Well, girly. So there is a male version. The female Coochy comes in great scents like grapefruit, green tea, pear berry, pomegranate and, of course, an original scent. Definitely should be on your “to buy” list.

Now this is a bad-ass item. Matthew and I love LOVE candles. Seriously. And this is a soy based candle. Key word? Wax becomes massage oil that doesn’t, shall we say, stick or dry. Which is key. Especially since after a massage one of two things happens… Sleep or sex. The oils in the candle make your skin softer and it never gets above body temp… NO BURNS! 😀 It’ll give you about 20 massages which is awesome. And totally sets the mood for a romantic night in. I suggest pairing it with a fluffy robe, bubble bath, spaghetti and, of course, soft candlelight.

Pheromones are amazing little things that guide your sex drive. That is known. In Basic Instinct, there is a unisex pheromone that reacts to your copulis (the female pheromone that we excrete natural to attract men) and a mans androstenone. In plain English, you will smell sexy. You will feel sexy. And it will pay off. A waitress using Basic Instinct can get higher tips. (We all could use a bit of that). Also, sex hormones relax those around you, potentially de-escalating a sticky situation. Best of all, it blends in with your lotion and perfume seamlessly. Good places to apply this is to the pulse point on neck and wrists, behind the ears and onto the collar bone.

Vanilla Bondage. Seems like a scary title and looks just like an ice cream tub. (Yum… Ice cream.) What it really is, is a bunch of silky ties and a blindfold in a neat, hide-able package. And for beginners in the bondage world, its absolutely perfect. The ties can be easily chilled by being put in the freezer for a few minutes or wrapped around a bag of heated rice to be warm against the skin. And can I mention, its vanilla scented? But don’t take my word for all of it… Try it yourself!

Body Bling. Its a glowing, bronzing powder that shimmers ever so slightly. But then all night it can be nibbled and licked and it still stays so silkily glittery in that simple, feminine way. You can mix it with your favorite clear lip gloss and make this neutral lip gloss that tastes amazing. The flavors in this wonderful gem is vanilla and cinnamon (like the sweet cinnamon in your cinna-toast, not like the jar in your cabinet).

Sadly, we might not always be in the mood to immediately get at it and go. We have depression medications, birth control and stress that severely dampens our sex drives. Say. No. More. X-Scream is a very… ahem… Rollercoaster cream to boost your drive with a mint base. When you begin your foreplay, a little dab on your clitoris and upon your man should do just the trick and next thing you know… You get the picture. It comes in bubble gum, cool mint, chocolate and vanilla frosting. Its a pretty high dosage and there are two lower ones. One of them is for those sensitive to these kinds of creams and the other for people who aren’t familiar with these creams yet. A 1 oz. bottle is about 3 months worth of product.

The “dirty deed” is done. And now, you have a wet spot the size of China and you both are tired. You do the fight for the dry side and one of you ends up landing in it, kinda cringing. Well, cringe no more my friend. Between the Sheets is AMAZING. It takes that doomed wet spot and dries it up like magic, giving your sheets this silky, pheromone enriched feeling. And it doesn’t just do that, but also can be used as a subtle air fresher for your home, office, car or any where you need it. It doesn’t stain your sheet and comes in scents like Seductive Sage, Fresh, and Pure Cotton. (The Sage smells AMAZING!)

Last but not least is my favorite item as of recently, and I cannot get enough of it. (Honestly!)

I had a little bottle from a sample. Just one little bottle. The flavor has been discontinued (aww… Bye bye Blueberry!!) but it is by far a favorite of mine at least. (And he didn’t complain… 🙂 ) To start, its a little cool and with a bit of friction, it gradually warms up. It doesn’t burn, just a pleasant warm tingle which is air activated. Its safe on poly-urethane condoms and inside of our very pH balanced vaginas. It is sugar free but totally doesn’t taste like it. Its about four months worth of product in a 4 oz. tube but if you’re like me… It ain’t gonna last that long with mouthwatering flavors like candy apple, hot buttered rum, cocoa, original, peppermint patty, spice is nice and strawberries and whipped cream. Its all natural and totally will blow both of your minds.

On their website they have many different toys and product available that I couldn’t even begin to name. They have dual actions that are nothing short of mind blowing and a few items to not only spice up your sex life, but send it hurtling into space.

So heres a pretty good deal. If you order from my dearest friend Amanda, she will have your item to you as soon as possible and with a 10% discount by saying you heard from this site. You can book parties if you are local and if you are across the country it is no problem. It will get to you I promise! She can give you more specials and deals (trust me, she always has at least 1 hiding somewhere) and that is only available if you call, text or email her. By ordering off of the website in general, you cannot receive any form of discount.

So here’s her contact information. Get in touch, have fun and remember to always love yourself FIRST!


Call or Text: 765-602-5979

Her personal consultant page:
Amanda Brault for Pure Romance

And the shop:
Shop Now!

Have a wonderful night from this MWIT,

annd… TACKLE

Matt came home Saturday night.

He woke up at 0300, was on a bus to Alexandria at 0515 and his flight wasn’t until 1655. So from 0600 to 1600, 10 HOURS he sat in the airport and waited for his flight. From there, another airport in Texas. At 2100 I left with my mother to collect him taking I-69 the whole way. The ride was long and uneventful. Finally parked in the cell phone lot and get a message from him that he’s on land. So of course, I proceed to terminal pick up. Well apparently that doesn’t matter to the security that I can CLEARLY SEE HIM! So I drive around again. Now he’s waiting on one bag and she tells me go around again. And then finally he’s out by the curb. So I did what any normal Army Girlfriend would do.

I tackled him.

Black Nails, iPhone and Camo bag dilemma.

Just painted my nails black and I honestly forgot how much I loved what they look like. Classic, honestly. I think for prom I’m going to get nails like this:

Oh! And the shoes?

And for the curious, here is the dress. I LOVE IT!

Anyways, so today while I was at school, some jackass stole my purse. Totally jacked it. Well after school ended and I cried my way through the day, freaked out, filed reports and cancelled my card… They put it on my car. ON. MY. CAR.

And one of my friends went on an anti Army RAMPAGE and UGH! Pissed me off so much.

And there’s this. This may be Matt and I’s new home.

I love love LOVE this house. After all, I like it when Brand and Cait were in there and now with the complex, its perfect time for Matt to look at this and fall in love too. I absolutely LOVE this place. Its about $74,900 to buy and I really don’t care. I am IN LOVE with it.

And speaking of love, I am ditching my iPhone soon. Maybe as an iPod it can live on but… Not really. I miss a simple cell phone. So here are my two current choices.

That is the Samsung Strive. I love the way it looks and the reviews aren’t bad. Seems pretty light and has better almost everything than the iPhone that makes me happy.

This I see even better reviews for. Plus its green which will make my boyfriend “green” with envy. XD

Speaking of my sweetie… I’m missing a lot of this right now. 2 more days and then I can pick him up from the airport.

Come on Brea. You can do it. ALWAYS!

As for this camo bag dilemma? I debated for an hour in Walmart whether or not I should pick up this amazing camo bag… And heres a lesson for the kids… If an item calls to you? GRAB IT!

Get Ready to RANT!

OK. So Matt is in training right now and its some of the biggest BS I can think of. The apartment complex knows that he’s in the Bayou on orders and still they wanna bitch at him…

He made out a money order for his rent, but the people in the office ripped it up. And they let him know the day before he left (pretty much) and leaving him with no way to get them the rent. So I’ve been looking at apartment after apartment but being in the heartland theres not many here unless we head into Indianapolis. And that can’t happen. For one, I have school here, and in a near by town. He has his job here, and a damn good one for fast food. I can get whatever I can, preferably Starbucks or shit like that. Not a lot of people and can bring home however much coffee I’d like.

I have 9 days until he comes home. And on that day, I have to go pick him up. We don’t know when the plane comes in, and I’m being serious. I don’t know the terminal. But I have to find some way to get his rent in because if it isn’t in by the day he comes home, he is up for immediate eviction and collection adding a total of $496 to his current rent bringing the current cost of living up to over $1,000.

We are in a world of shit. So I am going to be telling my mom to bring home around 17 boxes of a decent size and some duct tape from the factory. If this is how fucked up its gonna get, I ain’t gonna let him have all his shit thrown to the dogs. And if I can help it, he sure as hell ain’t gonna be living with the Harris’s or Birdwell’s. He’ll be with me. Unless…

A few girls at our work had an awesome deal going. $100 for a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house in the middle of P-Town. It was a great place, cozy and warm. Right next to the police station and only about a 30 minute walk from work. A 10 minute drive, including time wasted at stoplights. Mighty fine place. But they never paid rent, so the owner sold the place from under them. Its probably well on its way to being sold by the time he gets back, but he was gonna talk to the owner to see if he could halt the process and pay a little more. It would have been a great place for us and for another family here. But due to the daughter being on Medicaid, we can’t. She’d loose her benefits and her mom depends on those. The probability of all of this working out is low though…

Our next option, due to P-Town having nothing is Greenfield. But I wanna get on a lease with Matt, so he’d have to find a new home until I graduate. Or we can go to Anderson… But he’d hate that…

A decent idea is him living with me at my parents but him going for that isn’t likely. And my mom liking that is even less likely… Dad? Lets not talk about him. He’s gone. Maybe not physically but mentally.

As for current ideals and shit, I just want him to have a place to call home. Without owing debt to his friends. I mean, goddamnit, its the beginning of OUR life not everyone elses.

And as if all this shit wasn’t bad enough if we leave now, he breaks lease. And we don’t have enough time to pack if they go for immediate eviction. And he’ll get an attorney to fight this but the fact is I don’t think we have a chance in this case. I wish it was as easy as just saying “Fuck you guys!” But its not. He’s loosing this apartment.

I heard I can sign the money order and everything would be good but I am not anywhere close to having a power of attorney. I’m not legally one, I am not his fiancée, or his wife. I should, legally, stay out of it and let him loose his home but thats the thing….

I spend so much time being this Military Wife In Training that I do everything. And this is no different from my normal life. I’m always the one who ends up doing these kinds of things because its what is easy and what is expected. I would’ve faired better in the 40’s or 50’s. Honestly…

I want to stand by him as his wife, and yes I said it, WIFE. I don’t want another place in this world….

And on a small note, I hope he knows that this course is step one in becoming an NCO… And if he makes an NCO rank? Cool. But when that contract is up, its up. No re-upping.