Wearing a shirt, clinging to my soldier.

Archive for October, 2010

Hold On Kid, You’re Gonna Make It.

Less than $50 left to my name, and bills still to pay. Payday in two weeks. Hating this room, hating the way this is. Listening to music to cheer me up and its hardly doing its job now. This is getting bad and I’m drowning in the flows.

I stayed until midnight last night at McDonalds even though Matt couldn’t stop working. Also went to a dinner place and had the most awesome burger ever. (Ted’s Steakhouse Beef Spikebox…. A huge Angus hamburger, Monterey Jack cheese, Jalapenos, and Bacon). Anyways, it was a long night.

Over dinner, my dad broke some pretty big news. See, he went to the hospital for high blood pressure and they found a lesion on his liver. So no big deal, right? Well a biopsy later… Its cancer. And the worst part is, its secondary. Meaning theres more.

DAMN THIS ALL TO HELL!

I’m trying to keep from thinking about the fact I’m slowly loosing my grandmother. And now my dad. And Matt. And UGH! THIS IS TOO MUCH TO TAKE!

CAN I GET A GODDAMN BREAK IN THIS WORLD!?!

 

 

Its like once everything starts looking up, it gets shitty and I have no idea on how to deal with it.

 

Why me?

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What Am I Living For Anyways?

She sits on a chair, staring at the love of her life. She doesn’t know where she’s going, what she’s doing or even how to breech the questions on her mind. She wants him to just randomly say that he loves her so much and that he has been dying to ask her to become his bride. But the subject never arises, and when it does, he says the same damn things. “Some day…”

She wants to scream. “What if we don’t have a some day to give!?” She knows he’ll soon be 7,000 miles away. She doesn’t want to let go but knows he must. She doesn’t want to not know when she lays down at night whether or not he is alive. But she bites her tongue most days, presses on through the tears, even though every damn eye can see them forming.

Her entire heart feels like its shattering into tiny pieces. Her hands shake and she stares blankly at this screen as her fingers move silently. She swears he can hear her soul crying out. She feels the bile in her throat and calmly swallows before touching her temple to relieve her migraine.

She wants to walk in front of him, press a finger to his forehead so he can feel the fear. She wants to, in her velvet voice, whisper how she feels. That it doesn’t matter if all she has is fifteen seconds or a lifetime of being his wife, the point is that she was loved enough to become that to someone. A lifetime spent of not being enough only to become everything. Her heart leaps and then stumbles. Some day…

Then he said… “If I can become Warrant Officer, I’d love to make this a career.” And although she tried her best to hide it, she screamed inside. Maybe even whimpered. But kept her cool and nodded.

________________________________________

I dont mind where you come from
As long as you come to me
But I dont like illusions I cant see
Them clearly
I dont care, no I wouldn’t dare
To fix the twist in you
You’ve shown me eventually what you’ll do
I dont mind
I dont care
As long as you’re here

[Chorus]

Go ahead and tell me you’ll leave again
You’ll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It’s all the same
And I’ll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It’s all the same

Hours slide and days go by
Till you decide to come
But in-between it always seems too long
Suddenly
But I have the skill, yeah
I have the will, to breath you in while I can
However long you stay is all that I am

I dont mind, I dont care
As long as you’re here

Go ahead and tell me you’ll leave again
You’ll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It’s all the same
And I’ll take you for who you are
If you take me for everything
And do it all over again
It’s always the same

Wrong or Right
Black or White
If I close my eyes
Its all the same

In my life
The compromise
I’ll close my eyes
Its all the same

Go ahead say it
You’re leaving
You’ll just come back running
Holding your scarred heart in hand
It’s all the same
And I’ll take you for who you are now
If you take me for everything
Do it all over again
It’s all the same

________________________________________________

 

Why? Why do I toss everything aside for those I love? Why do I sacrifice and sacrifice for the greater god damn good!? THERE IS NOTHING NOBLE ABOUT THIS! This utter BREAKDOWN in the FUCKING FLESH! I NEED HIM HERE!

WITH ME!

I need the security… The hope… Matthew…. Here come the tears, mingled with the words….

 

Army Fuckin’ Strong.

I sense denial in the air…

That or some raw fruity ness. None the less my day must continue on. I’m in earth space science. And its hilarious because Tony keeps accusing this completely dorky kid named Jeremy of being gay. nothing against gays, of course. But its still the main fact that he is so totally… DORK! I mean, he reminds me of Christopher. So of course I want the poor kid to suffer.

Riggs is getting on my last god forsaken nerve. He keeps stealing the studio and fucking recording when it isn’t that imperative that he gets his fucking shit done. mine has to be in at 1000. I get it finished at 0950. BARELY enough time. I rarely get it done to a good standard.

Matt’s biggest fear about me is that I may pick up smoking. It really concerns him. then my concern is that one day, just one. Kaitlin will walk back up to his door, whisper all the right words and be right back in his heart. And then its bye-bye Brea. I want to be his one and only forever. Yes, forever. Just the thing is, will he?

Last night we slow danced topless in black light.  And he colored on me in highlighter. 🙂

No One Mourns The Wicked.

There’s a face on my wall,

Staring at me.

She knows my thoughts.

She knows my moves.

Eyes flat blue,

She is my personality mask.

I wanna sneak around you,

Covering you in glitter and paint.

I wanna be your nude beauty,

Wrapped in sheets of cotton.

I wanna receive your lips unto mine,

As a hail to a time before us.