Wearing a shirt, clinging to my soldier.

Happy February?

To the few subscribers I do have, Happy month of superbowl and cheap conversation hearts! But mostly happy month of doomsday!

I call it doomsday because in 2007, my ex was almost in a car wreck that could have claimed his life, but instead took the lives of a teacher and a student at Maxwell Middle School.

2008? Alone. Boyfriend dumped me on that date.

2009? Fever of 104 and Chris cheated on me.

2010? Too late to fix things. Got a bag of chocolates. Opened and halfway gone.

2011? Matt just came home from training. We celebrated with work. Later that week we made a tradition of “Doomsday” where we did romantic things.

2012? Going to go see STAR WARS IN 3D!!!!

That? Its my current song obsession. What? This video makes me bawl.

Matt’s laying on our bed, going to be awake in 5 hours. Me? Staying up. Later tonight we will head to a close friends and “party” into sunlight. I keep looking at wedding stuff and nursery “porn”. God, I want this future so bad.

So what happened since October?

Well…

1. The military released them from orders.
2. The military changed their minds.
3. I gave blood!
4. I was diagnosed with severe anemia after said giving blood.

5. My car battery died with NO WARNING!
6. Matt lost his job.
7. Brea stressed herself sick.
8. Lets throw in a pregnancy scare or two…
9. …and some major pregnancy envy…
10. Oh and a marriage of a close friend. Yesh.

Almost deserved a rage comic….

11. ADD ROOMMATE!!!!
12. Some dramaness
13. NEW JOB FOR MATT!!!

And so here we are. Fresh(ish) slate.

Oh that? MY DEPLOYMENTALITY ANTHEM!!!

This is Matts. He jams to it. I could live without.

So… to the new people I shared this blog to, welcome to how messed up your friend really is. Sorry about that. I’m working on cleaning up. But here is the place I will never lie.

While discussing family problems with a close friend last night, she said the words that I have been thinking since reading “Offbeat Bride”.

“Fuck bridesmaids, Momma, you need bouncers. If I can wear sequins AND a holster i think the space time continuum will give a few shivers. You could always just take me on the next outing, I’m built for ego smashing. Don’t let those idiots piss you off. Let them make you laugh.” (Yes Rachel, I quoted you. That’s how awesome you are)

After two hours of being cold shoulder ignored by my half husbands family, I totally agree. I left the place in tears because no one said a damn word to me.

Moving on, we looked at some rings and found a design that blew my mind away. Two white sapphires (I hate diamonds. Just plain and simple) on either side of a larger blue sapphire. The meaning behind it was evident to me; the past and future are meaningless and useless, but the present is here, and means everything. Kinda clashes with the sapphires meaning of “Your dreams will come true” but who cares.

Then we found a gorgeous dress at a local store going out of business. It was a tight bodice, rouched so the fabric kinda folded in the center with a ribbon under the breasts and the skirt was plain. The entire dress in a slightly offwhite.

I fell in love.

And its kinda weird cause here I am, this crazy, regular offbeat “half wife” and yet, I am throwing away my cocktail, petticoated dream dress in my head and seeing myself in this window dress which I totally haven’t made by hand.

Too weird.

Then we formulated names for other positions (seen in title of this post) and determined that my bridebouncers will play the part of the Sith, and Matts groomsnipers will play the part of Jedi.

Anyone else sense an epic battle on the dancefloor?

I mean, we can play Sandstorm to this shit. Choreograph it.

Oh dang, now I’m all excited.

But the funfacts go as this:

Matt and I have been looking in ring stores. He says “All the times I have said NO to you, I was due for a YES.”
We also saw said epic dress in the window. I had glanced at it when he was with me, and stared when he wasn’t but he admitted he liked it WITHOUT PRODDING
We bought his brothers birthday gift. (Ps, AJ? Mine is the funny one. You’ll understand soon.)
I have lost my idea notebook as of this morning. If anyone sees a Tinkerbell notebook full of blue pen, and it says my name on it, GIVE IT BACK!

And a shameless plug for a book I love:

“Offbeat Bride; Creative Alternatives for Independent Brides” – Ariel Meadow Stallings

It’s night right now.
There’s something else you should be doing at the moment.
You ate chicken today.
You are lactose intolerant.
There’s a nearby TV on.
You get along with your neighbors.
You’re hungry right now
You have worked out today.
Running a mile sounds awful.
You have a job.
You love to bake Christmas cookies.

Your parents are still together.
You woke up before 11 this morning.

Baths are better than showers.
You are 5’5” or shorter.
You hate British accents.
Victoria’s Secret is a good store.
Cats are better than dogs.
The 90’s sucked.
Your favorite color is either blue or purple.

Your hair is short.
You are by yourself right now.
The last thing you drank was water.
You’re in your PJ’s right now.
Your hair color is natural.

Fred from Youtube is annoying.
You don’t drink soda.
There’s at least $20 in your wallet.
It’s cold out.

Orange juice is better than apple juice.
You love someone right now.
Video games are awesome.

Your sheets are white.
You have read works by Shakespeare before.
You’ve been professionally diagnosed with a psychological disorder.
You know someone in the hospital right now.
You know someone who has beaten cancer.
Sneakers are your favorite shoes to wear.
Chocolate is better than vanilla.

You’re allergic to peanuts.
You’ve never been to New York City.
You’ve never been on a varsity sports team.
You want to go to Europe.
You’re using a laptop right now.

You want plastic surgery.
Vanilla is the best scent a girl can wear.
You’ve made yourself throw up.
You know someone who has done drugs.
School is too early.

Your nails have nail polish on them right now.
You’re Italian.
You have a tan right now.
You’ve been on a diet before.

There are socks on your feet right now.
You’ve used a hair straightener.
Shopping online is easier than shopping in an actual store.
You’re in Verizon’s network.
Cheesecake is delicious.
Your BMI falls into the overweight category.

You have gotten your hair cut in the past month.
Your birthday is within the next 2 months.
Comedies are better than action films.

Math is the best subject.
You are fluent in more than one language.
You love Greek food.
You consider yourself a picky eater.
You have more than 3 pillows on your bed.
You live with at least one parent.

You’re happy right now.

You are a high school graduate.
You have a pet cat.

You were born before April 5th, 1991.
You have brown hair.
You have blue eyes.
You are in a relationship.
You can count to 20 in another language.
You have studied a foreign language.

You voted in the 2008 presidential election.
You own a vehicle that is older than a 2004.

You have worked 3rd shift.
You have worked in a fast food restaurant.
You drove somewhere that was further than a half hour away today.
You are older than 19.

You are younger than 16.
You are an only child.
Your parents are divorced.
You have more than one sibling.
You are a vegetarian.
You have a gym membership.

You are in the military.
You have a relative in the military.
You have been to Canada.
You have been to Mexico.
You have been to Europe.
You are currently enrolled in college/university.
You have done something you told yourself you wouldn’t.
You have braces.
You wear contact lenses.
You have a tattoo.

You have wavy hair.
You have received flowers from someone in the last 2 months.
You are engaged.

You are married.
You have children.
You are an aunt or uncle.
Your bedroom walls are blue.
Your bedspread is red.
Your bedroom carpet is beige.
You have been out to eat at a sit-down restaurant in the last week.

You have been drunk in the past 24 hours.
You watch Scrubs.
You watch Jon & Kate Plus 8.
You watch American Idol.
You have been to the movies within the last month.
You have cursed in front of your grandparents.
You had a lunch box with a cartoon character on it when you were little.
You actually pay attention to politics.

You were told you’re cute today.
You were hugged today.

You have one best friend of the opposite sex.
You have paid more than $100 on one item of clothing.
You had a date to prom.
You are a good speller.

You are always on time.
You have done something illegal within the last 24 hours.
You have ridden an elevator within the last 3 days.
You have spent the night at someone else’s house within the last 2 weeks.
You have been out of the country within the last year.
You love Chinese food.

You love Italian food.
You love Mexican food.
You love country music.
You love rap.
You love hip hop.
You know someone younger than 10 who passed away.
You have taken pictures of yourself just because you were bored.
You have been in a car accident.
You have had stitches.

You have a parent who is a teacher.

You have a savings account.
You currently have a $1 bill in your possession.
You have dated someone who was 2 years younger than you.
You have dated someone who was 2 years older than you.

You are Mormon.
You are Buddhist.
You wish at 11:11.
You have had your current job for more than 3 months.

You have an Aunt Sarah.
You have an Uncle Bill.

You have a cousin Karen.
You have a cousin Adam.
You have ridden in a car with a Stephen.
You have hugged a Tiffany.

You have kissed a Blake.
You have had class with a David.
You have done something just for the fact that you were old enough to.

You have been to a cemetery at midnight.
You have been a vampire for Halloween.
You have been a witch for Halloween.

You have been a pumpkin for Halloween.
You have stayed up for 48 hours straight.
You have been to Walmart in the past 3 days.
You own a pair of scrubs.
You own a cowboy hat.
You own a leather coat.
You are missing someone right now.

You would rather have a one-night stand than a relationship.
You would rather win $500 from the lottery, than guest on a game show.

23 card spread

1 cosmic influences beyond human control, what lies beyond the mind; reversed death

Someone refuses to budge, even for their own good. Possible loss of friendship. Beware of accidents.

2,3. Current vibrations and influence on the situation in question; 8 of Cups, Reversed Temperance

Don’t walk away from a situation before it is completed; Don’t turn your back on success
Disharmony; frustration. People working at cross purposes

4. recent past; 5 of Pentacles

Indicates errors and missed opportunities leading to financial trouble.

5. near future; The star

Hope, inspiration from an unexpected source. Foundation sound, change is natural and balanced. A bright future in store

6. moderate past; Reversed 4 of Rods

Progress in small increments. Searching for a lost object

7. modearte future; The Empress

The power of motherhood, earth and practical wisdom. Beautiful and bountiful. Mother of all. Luxury, abundance and pregnancy

8. what has been; 9 of Pentacles

Wisdom, knowledge and talent are present but no love life. Success, recognition and wealth wiwll follow

9. What is coming to be; 10 of Pentacles

Life is full, wealth will be passed down. the family is safe and secure

10. Who you are; 5 of Cups

You feel remorse over severed relationships and unfulfilled dreams

11. What you are; 7 of Cups

A dreamer who is building castles in air instead of on the solid ground

12. who you trust; 8 of Swords

A difficult situation that cannot be ignored

13. who you serve; 5 of Swords

A victory without peace

14. hidden influences; The Tower

Radical transformation

15. projective influences; Reversed 3 of Swords

Confusion and disorientation. Set some priorities and your worries will disappear

16. The Challenge; Reversed Judgement

Stop delaying the inevitable. Indecision leads to missed opportunities

17. the puzzle; 7 of Pentacles

Things will happen, but not now.

18. The burden; Page of Cups

Unexpected news is on the way

19. The task; Queen of Rods

Bring light and love to those around you

20. The problem; 9 of Swords

The night is darkest before the dawn. Action is the antidote to worry.

21. The solution; 8 of rods

The pace is changing, so do not be left behind

22. The source and core of the situation, conflict, can relate to people involved; Knight of Pentacles

Taking responsibilities seriously, and finishing what you start

23. synthesis, the conclusion and result of the situations presence and influene upon the people involved.; Reversed King of Cups

Watch out.

Tonights a bad night

I look like a normal girl. Pierced nose, crappily done fake nails and bleached hair a la Rogue (X-Men). I am not, fat, nor am I skinny. My boobs suddenly popped out of my chest. I can’t walk gracefully in heels, but I can walk, thank you very much.I get overly emotional at the littlest things, and find myself always either wanting change, or hating it.

My mother has worked factory jobs since I was little, and therefore takes the nightshift. She was often gone after dinner and dinner was actually the only time I saw her. My father however, I saw constantly. A father who is paralyzed, and used to be a drunk… And commander of the local Amvets.And daughter took care of father without a word, and didn’t notice she had no friends as she couldn’t go outside. When mother lost her job, we all uprooted and moved. And I was bullied, harrassed and teased because I had absolutely no social skills, and would rather stay alone.

A kid broke my great grandmothers locket that year. Grabbed it from around my neck and broke the chain and clasp. It was gorgeous. Pure yellow gold and with ornate flowers. Everytime I see gold, I think I hate it because it reminds me of how sad that still makes me. It was my favorite piece of jewelry.

After a few years, and a guy who thought it was his God given right to not only hit me, but slam me up against the lockers in the middle of lunch, in front of the entire cafeteria… We moved again.

I didn’t take anything for an answer. Yes, No. I didn’t care. i was the girl with 5 inch hoops, 10 inch wedges, bells dangling from every spot on my body and a gaudy punk rock style. My hair reached my waist. In one year, a guy sprained both of my ankles and locked me in a mezzanine, 5 guys attacked me in a hallway, leaving me with a scar on my wrist so badly I can easily point it out, and I went on the worst crash diet in my entire life.

Mind you, I had been starving for years. Cutting food down graduallyuntil that year, I was eating apples and drinking water. Nothing else. If I was good that week, I got a turkey sandwhich on wheat with mustard. The highlight. If I was bad, I didn’t eat. Period.

I also began cutting and burning rituals which I still have a hard time giving up. Even though my arms have been razor free for 2 years… maybe 3.

After coming to what I saw as my true self and being the happiest I had been in years, we moved again.

I was lost, scared and confused. A freshman who’s new group of friends were all suicidal. That year I discovered My Chemical Romance. But that’s just a random fact that has nothing to do with this.

In February, I was faced with the greatest amount of depression I had ever faced. My cutting? Daily. And my friends were worried about me. I passed out while walking down a hallway, and had no strength to stand, so I crawled to the nurse, only to have her give me crackers and sprite and kick me out of her office for wasting time. My conselours did nothing. My church turned its back on me. I was alone.

So after an intervention, I had everything ready. I was going to die.

The date was February 28th, 2008.

That day, a guy asked me out. His name was Chris, and he was geekishly handsome. He wanted to go to a movie that Staurday. I decided to live, because everyone deserves a chance. Through all of my pain of recovery, he pushed me to live. But that is all I can thank him for. He cheated on me with another guy whom I had met and risked my life in the process. He beat me, he raped me and he intimidated me. He forced me to pay for dates when he was the one who suggested them and yet I was so willing to do anything to save that relationship. The one relationship that shouldn’t have mattered.

It was a long time. My parents and my friends gave up. Chris and I were in a nightly struggle of screaming at each other then making up because I didn’t want to go to bed angry. He proposed, if you can call it that, with a silver ring with a baguette blue topaz. As more time went on, more pain inflicted and 2 years wasted on something destined to fail, we broke up over a girl.

A girl who I really did love, and cherish and admire. Carrie never judged me, never harmed me. And was completely gorgeous. I told her every single day. And she kept doing drugs and kept risking this amazing chance she had to go to college and get a degree that I wasn’t ready to ( and probably never will be ) receive. I have kissed her lips and imagined doing so too many times. And currently am obsessed with making her hate me, so that I will never ruin what she has. (Sick, isn’t it?)

And in the midst of all that drama, and the above paragraph that makes me believe that either 1. I really am a lesbian after all or 2. I really need Matt to come home. or maybe 3. This is going to be some sappy romance someday….

He gave me a backrub. A mother fucking backrub. And I took a rain check. On a back rub. And after ditching Chris for the girl and dating the girl and another guy at the same time… I honestly cashed in. I cashed in on probably the best thing in my life.

We sat down and he started “George of the Jungle” and started working on my shoulders and back… then he pulled my backwards, between his legs so that my back rested on his chest. And after a few moments, simply kissed my temple. I turned to face him, eyes wide, and we kissed. Simple as that.

I would tell you the million things that crossed my mind, but goddamn you all would not get a damn bit of it. Because a few days later, when I asked him what I was, and he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend, I had to make a choice. To be with this suddenly amazing guy, or to continue a life with Carrie.

I broke her heart. I shattered it. She confessed later she tried to hang herself, but couldn’t when she thought of leaving her little brother alone.

A few weeks after I made my choice, he left for AT which is military speak for “No contact, 2 weeks, suck it up”

I recieved this message the day he left:

“As I sit here and wait for my buddy to arrive, I can’t help but to think about our time that we”ve been able to share. Even though it hasn’t been much for most, but for me it was plenty, plenty enough to get you stuck in my head. Now I find myself in a half trance, eyes on my buddy’s uniform as he appears around the corner, mind in a third zone. Somehow, even though I know the law would have it for the time, no force could really stop me from wanting to spend that one more minute or the many to follow it. Finally we drive away and the good was again short, but needless to say, I enjoyed it all the same. –Love you and I’ll be thinking of you and I’ll be missing you in the same. Love, Matthew Jay Scott aka Sir Smiles-a-lot!”

So I embraced the stuffed kitten he bought me (as he still calls me “pretty kitty choir girl’) and beared through three weeks only to have him do the unthinkable.

See, I gave Chris my virginity as a token that I was promised to him forever. Virginity holds a big pull on me. Its your choice. And once I gave that to him, he didn’t treat it as sacred. He took it as owning rights.

Matt felt the same way. He wanted to wait for his wife. That was never a lie to him. He wanted to wait for the one person who would complete him. And I guess that person was me.

It hits me now, as I type this, and have been typing for about an hour that all along he has been showing me that i am that person. I feel so wasted because I already gave that part of me to Chris. There was nothing for me to give Matt. I guess thats why I try to hard to show him every damn day how much I love him and care. I couldn’t show him by being his true wife. And I have been begging him, and begging him to show me that I am his intended and I so easily forget that.

Shortly after, I had the last dinner with my family. I call it the last dinner because it was my birthday, and after that day my world collapsed. My grandmother fell, and broke her hip. Her mother died the same way when she couldn’t makle it through surgery. My grandmother took the surgery but shortly after all of her levels went out of whack and she started going in to comas and seizures. I have lost the plump Grandma I loved, and gained someone who barely knows who I am, and sees things that don’t exist.

As if that wasn’t enough, my father went into the hospital for pain and they found a tumor in his colon. It was 14 cm and certified cancer. After further studies, they found it had spread to his liver. My own father got so bad, on night he called me a worthless bitch. I couldn’t talk to him or look at him for 3 months. I ignored all of his calls, and lived with Matt.

And while all this was going on, I forced my grades to go up to all A’s and kept my life in impeccable order… Somehow hoping if I kept everything perfect, things would go back to the way they were.

Now going through another AT, this time for 3 weeks, and facing a possible deployment…. I feel the most selfish I have ever been in my life.

I don’t want Matt to be deployed.I want to be his wife.
I wish I was pregnant.
I wish my dad didn’t have cancer.
Hell I wish my dad made jokes.
I miss my fiesty, stubborn grandmother.
I miss seeing my grandfather smile.

And you know the saddest part?

Tonight I remember the look in Grandpa’s eyes when he said goodbye to his wife.

If there is a God, I want to know why he hurts people. I want to know why he has made this strong exterior, only to have me break down like this in the middle of the night, with no one around. What am I supposed to learn?

I don’t even know… No one does. Guess its a “God has a plan” thing.

Night.

1. go on a search for as many good climbing trees as possible, climb as high as you both can in all of them, compile photo evidence

2. go to a major chain bookstore and leave notes to future readers in copies of your favorite books

3. have her dress up as a ghost and you dress up us pacman. walk around downtown holding hands, and whenever anyone sees you two, pretend to be embarrassed, and run off screaming “wocka wocka wocka.”

4. create photo evidence suggesting that you went on an adventure that didn’t really happen

5. dress up as superheroes and stop at least one petty crime “ie. jaywalking, littering….”

6. build forts out of furniture and blankets and wage war with paper airplanes.

7. try and visit as many people as you can in one night and turn as many things inside their apartment upside down as you can without them noticing.

8. go to the airport, get the cheapest, soonest departing flight to anywhere when you show up, and stay there for a weekend.

9. write a piece of fiction together. outside at a cafe. ask strangers when you get stuck.

10. dress to the nines, pretend to be married, and test drive very expensive vehicles at an auto dealership.

11. do the lamest tourist thing in your area that you have both secretly wanted to do forever. have an unabashed good time!

12. in the middle of the night, drive to the beach, so you arrive just as the sun is rising. have a breakfast picnic, then fall asleep together. bring a sun umbrella.

13. drive somewhere unknown and have dinner in a city you’ve never been to. with fake names.

14. go to a minor league baseball game under the stars. tell each other stories about how bad you are at athletics. randomly cheer for both teams. eat lots of cracker jack.

15. go around the city with sidewalk chalk and draw hearts with equations inside on random things

16. walk around a city and perform short silent plays in front of security cameras

17. with camera and pair of boots, make photo-log of a day in the life of the invisible man.

18. walk around the city all night and find a place to eat breakfast at dawn

19. go to a restaurant and convince the cook to create something completely new for you.

20. rent a movie you’ve never seen before. set on mute and improvise dialogue

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